Salad Days ...

And I forgot to mention that I have indulged in nothing but delicious green salads and chicken for the whole weekend.

I have made a pact with myself that I must start eating healthy with or without the girls around and to remind myself that it doesn't take that long to make a healthy lunch every day.

I know my body will love me for it.

No more feeling sorry for myself.

It's time to look after myself!

Recharged ...

This weekend has been a strange one. A good one definitely but it is amazing what being still feels like.

I had forgotten.

With three small people and work and family and the husband, I find it increasingly harder to get moments to be still.

I have watched FOUR movies! FOUR! And I'm just about to watch another one before the tribe arrives home. I feel slightly decadent but, you know what? It feels great to just sit and do ... well ... nothing!

It did occur to me that I have lost sight of the bigger picture here. My husband in all his new found wisdom and enlightenment has tried pushing theories onto me that I am resisting like a rebellious teenager and yet, while sipping on a glass of wine last night and waiting for my girls to come over for dinner and drinks, I cast my eyes over my bookshelf and was instantly drawn to all the books I own on spiritual growth and higher self and universal law. It was a strange feeling, flicking through the pages and reading snippets and remembering that this is what I believed in all those years ago. This is what I know, have known for so long.

And I still do but I had kinda forgotten, on a conscious level at least, what makes me "me". What my beliefs are, what makes me happy, what makes me tick.

And slowly things are making sense. Not a lot yet, I'm sure that will come but enough to give me comfort in knowing it's going to be okay. I'm going to be okay.

And then, after enjoying a delicious array of Thai food with said girls, we went out and hit the town - and I am really glad I drank those extra glasses of water before falling into bed.

Again I was reminded of how lucky I am to have friends that are there for me to laugh with, to cry with, to get each and every perspective from and to learn from. And to listen, really listen without casting judgement upon my slightly neurotic, over-analytical brain that slowly drives me crazy at times.

I am recharged and ready to greet my family when they arrive home this afternoon and am hopeful that I may have taken a huge step forward this weekend.

Time will tell.

Chilled ...

To the bone.

I can't get warm no matter how hard I try. Is it harder to stay warm the older you get?

Lucky for me I live in the Sunshine State. And for the most part during the day, I can find a sunny spot to sit and soak up some sun.

But today. It is windy outside. My little girl as at school on the mountain where the wind blows right through your every vein. It. Is. Freezing up there. And I see all those kids walking around like it's just a cool summer's day. Makes me shiver just watching them all.

And down here. It's still windy. Last night was freezing and I am still in ugg boots and a nice warm jumper and yet I still feel cold.

I just want to curl up on the couch under a blanket and snooze and drink hot liquid and maybe even indulge in a book or a movie.

CJ and the girls are heading up to my mother-in-law's this afternoon for the weekend to give some time out and the above is what I'm dreaming about. Now if I could just get rid of this work that I should have said no to I might just manage to find a state of chilled in the relaxed sense rather than chilled in the icy sense.

The weekend is looking promising ...

Because ...

... we can.

It is raining. And I am living on less sleep than ever before. Truly. Even when AJ was a baby I think I got more sleep than this. And the sleep I was getting was solid at least back then. Not this kind of sleep.

So, when I woke this morning and it was still raining and for the fourth day in a row AJ asked if she could say home from school, I thought "Why not?" Truth be told, she needs this day just as much, if not more, than I do.

So, we have officially declared today, PJ Day!!!

Looking back ...

... when I should be looking forward.

But all I can do is look back and analyse and try to piece together this very messy puzzle.

And it's stupid because I will never be able to put the pieces together yet I can't stop going over and over and over it in my mind.

And I don't know how to fix this or what decision to make or even if there is a decision required.

I. Just. Don't. Know.

But I know I am hurting like never before and I feel tormented.

And worst of all.

It all feels so stupidly dramatic!

Drama Queen ...

Seems I'm turning into one.

I don't like drama. At all. Not even slightly and yet what I want to write is going to be just that. Full of drama.

And right now. That is all I have in my head. So much so that I can't focus on work, on eating, on sleeping. Right now all I can focus on is feeling nauseous and betrayed and confused and nauseous.

And I didn't see it coming. The drama. It was all supposed to blow over. It was finished with. Or so I thought. And then it came back. And it. Just. Won't. Leave.

And so. I don't want to write.

But I will say this much. When I wrote this, it said more about my instinct because I was right.

And did I mention I feel nauseous?