Balance ...

I struggle with it a lot. Not the physical act of doing it for myself. I'm quite good and have been known to win a good balancing stand off - well not according to WiFit in that regards either but I think I'm still okay in that department.

But the whole family/work/self balance. I have weeks where I'm so bogged down in work that there is no time for balancing out the other things especially not the self part. I think (read hope) my husband is slowly coming to realise this. Our conversation this morning indicated that he just might be getting it.

My job is such that I have to take the work when it's there because it won't be there tomorrow let alone next week. And I feel if I don't take it, I'm letting my clients down too. So, I try and keep the balance around important occasions like birthdays and important family gatherings. I feel I do okay at this during the week when the only balance I need to find is that of looking after the girls and fitting in a bit of work here and there. But throw in a husband or an unexpected event such as no brakes on a car - which is how my world turned upside down yesterday - and I've got nothing.

So just like Schmoo's birthday cake today, I'm trying to perfect the art of balance. I think some weeks I've got it in the bag but others, well there's just no way.

And then I think, maybe that is the balance. Maybe, because of the type of work, some weeks will be heavily laden with work whilst other weeks will be less tied down to the working side of life. Maybe, rather than looking at this on a week to week basis, I need to broaden the view across a whole month and then decide if anything is in fact lacking.

Who knows? Maybe I'll surprise myself with just how balanced things really are. Sometimes it's hard to see the forest for the trees and I need to take a step back and see if there really is any reason to be feeling neglectful just because one week out of two or three feels that way.

Time will tell. Time will tell.

But for today, I am baking cakes and getting ready to celebrate my little Schmooey's birthday. I can't believe she is four in a couple of days. I can't believe that she will be starting kindy five days a fortnight as of the next school term because a place became available. And I can't believe that means I have less time to get used to her not being with me for most of my week. I'm going to miss my little mate terribly when she goes to Prep next year and this is just the beginning.

So the next two weeks will be spent preparing myself for letting go that little bit more but also just hanging out with my girls and enjoying them until the busy school term starts again!

Time to get ready for a party...

New Ink ...

So while I'm not the gung-ho, let's put a whole lot of tattoos all over the body kinda gal, I don't mind the odd little cute one here and there. I had two done over the past 15 years (wow! That makes me sound old) just when the mood struck and my best friend could draw something that was only for me.

Until today. Still my bestie's idea. She really does come up with the most amazing ideas for tattoos I have say. I love unique designs and hers always sit so well with me.

We have been tossing around ideas for years now about what I could get to symbolise my babies. Then, of course, along came number three and we breathed a sigh of relief that we hadn't gone out guns ablazing beforehand. And then, she came up with the cutest idea I think ever possible (although I did like the little stick figure tattoos I saw today. Very cute).

Then began the painstaking task of finding someone I thought would do a good job. I was never really fussy about tattooists until my husband got on the bandwagon but then, of course, the people he liked were booked out for months in advance and requesting consults first and the like. Rock Star style. For someone as impatient as me? I highly doubt it. I want it yesterday didn't ya know? So I was scared to go against the grain but the lady I found who did my new tattoo has done such a fantastic job and I get to claim her all as my own. I found her!!! She's mine! And she is close by which is both a good and a bad thing. Muwahahahaha.

But enough of the chit chat though. Let's get to the finished product shall we?

To symbolise my three little girls ...

It really doesn't capture how good it really is and the background is upside down because you do know how hard it is to take a photo of one's forearm the right way up don't you? But it's mine and there was a bit of pain to keep things interesting and I love it!

Round and Round ...

Cute is watching your 18 month old play "round and round the garden" on the big stuffed crocodile toy she's cuddling!

Nawwwww. And I missed the photo op! Boo to me and my never having a camera when I need one affliction.

Stay tuned for my weekend at Wintersun addition (complete with no photos). ;p

Work it Baby ...

NB: So many pictures to choose from. I won't even tell you how long this post has taken to write!!!

So it would seem we are lucky enough to know a few photographers which, in turn, provides us with quite a few opportunities to get ourselves in front of the camera.

One Shot Studios...

Last year saw CJ and The Wee One do a little photo shoot with our good friends at Poco Rojo Pictures. I couldn't not put in a shot from them ...

This year started with a friend of ours from Keiki Images - you only need to take a look at their home page to see some fantastic work (although I may be biased being that The Wee One is their home page photo ;p)- wanting to grab some shots of the girls for his portfolio. So off we went to the beach with the threat of a Tsunami approaching! And this is the result of that gorgeous day...

Then a few weeks ago, our other friend from One Shot Studios who has taken many a gorgeous shot for us - and the infamous Schmoo shot that was photo of the month for much longer than a month - called to see if we could fill in for a family that had cancelled. It was 12:50pm and they wanted us there by 3:30. I was hesitant at the thought of all that rushing around and how stressed we may all be by the time we got there but, luckily for us, my friend insisted that I would be missing out big time if I didn't and that it was worth getting AJ out of school early for. So we agreed.

And boy am I glad we did. These are just a few of the shots that were captured on the day withRaye Law taking the workshop at Inspire Me 2010 and about 12 other photographers - weren't sure how the girls would feel with all those people around pointing cameras in their direction but apparently they work well in front of the camera ;p - with their camera at the ready to capture a perfect moment. And to think, we get about 60 of these!!!

These ones are taken by one of the obviously very talented workshop attendees, Ale Photography.

Seriously, very lucky to have such talented friends.

One About Me ...

After my post a couple of months ago I figure there may be a few of you wondering what has happened, how things are here and whether or not I'm feeling any more positive about my relationship.

The truth is I still don't know. With three little people around it's all too easy to fall back into the same old patterns and just go through the motions day to day. We have been extra busy here too which has certainly helped but we have also spent time together as a family and that certainly counts for something. When we do things as a family I feel most at home. It feels right.

And he is trying. Really trying. Probably even a little too hard at times but it must be quite a shock for him to realise how close I am to giving up. He had no idea so it all came as a big surprise to him when I laid my cards on the table (just another thing to feel terrible about but I'm trying to not feel that way).

So instead of trying to work it all out and have all the answers, I have instead been trying determine how much of this is about us, him or me. And focusing on myself for a change. Not the mother part of me or the wife part of me but just the "me" part of me.

Taking time to catch up with girlfriends, asking straight out for the things I want without expecting anyone to be a mindreader, saying no to work if I don't feel like I can fit it all in without adding any extra pressures and just generally reminding myself that I am allowed to put myself first - something I am still learning very slowly and it goes against the grain for me which is silly, but it does.

When the girls are begging me to stay and not go out (like they did tonight) I am allowed to go and feel no guilt. And I don't always have to take them with me because they want to see my friends. I love that my friends adore my girls and vice versa but I'm allowed to be selfish and keep them to myself sometimes!

Because in me doing these things for me, I am reclaiming a little bit of "me" and hopefully fixing what I think is a big part of the problem. That resentment that is feeling like I can't jump ship even for a second.

But I don't always have to be a mother, wife, business owner, the all self-sacrificing martyr.

And I need to make myself jump ship every now and again.

Thankfully I have friends who jump with me!

She Still Fits ...

AJ came into our bed last night for the first time in forever. Our big seven year old girl has nightmares nearly every night. My guess is her anxiety plays out overnight after having to put on a brave face all day for everyone. :(

As a baby, AJ loved sleeping with us. She slept with us for a long time. I remember putting her into bed with us out of sheer desperation after having endured countless nights of little to no sleep. I remember thinking she just wasn't ready to be here. She needed time to adjust. She didn't like the change of womb to world. Funny how, looking back now, it has been there from day dot. She still doesn't adapt well to change now. At all.

But what I did find last night is that the crook of my arm must have her mark because, out of all my babies, she still fits there best. She is the only one I can sleep soundly with there in my arms and she is the only one that likes to be that close to us in sleep.

Schmoo slept with me for the first six weeks and has never enjoyed being there again. In fact, Schmoo will ask to come and sleep with us or us with her and then, after no more than about five or 10 minutes, she is asking us to leave or put her back into her own bed. And The Wee One just thinks it's all a big game if we bring her into our bed or she kicks and carries on because she wants to be left alone.

My big baby girl is the only one who would sleep with us every night if we let her. She is our most cuddly, most affectionate child. I wonder if it will always be that way...