I have sadly come to the realisation that there are people you can count on and people you can't.
Well, no, not the realisation. I knew that all along. I guess this time around it's been a bitter pill to swallow to realise the people you thought would be there end up being the ones that make plans to be there and then always seem to find an excuse, always very important excuses mind you and obviously far more important, it seems, than the plans made with me previously. So much so that they can justify it to themselves and feel no need to even offer me an explanation.
And yet, I sit here feeling like the selfish one. Feeling like I know that what they are doing is important to them and is necessary but, to be perfectly honest, feeling a little What About Me?
I mean, not even a phone call? Seriously. To say that plans have changed. Not that I didn't guess because nothing was confirmed but really? Is that where I stand? Is that all I'm worth?
And then only tentatively suggest a visit to help out. What? If nothing better comes up? I mean after all imagine taking an hour or two out of your day and realising you could have cleaned your house instead. But let's make it all better by constantly reiterating the fact that I am soooo capable and will have no trouble at all looking after three kids solo for three weeks. Do it standing on my head. Who is that for? Me? To make me feel better? It doesn't. Them? So they don't feel guilty if they don't visit because they know I'll be okay? I hope it does more for them than me.
Needless to say, I am gutted. And I have no idea how to say this to them which makes it so much harder. Always trying to be the understanding friend and the one that always says "Oh no. That's okay. Really!" But I'm lying. Don't know why I feel I can't be honest with these particular people. I have my suspicions which I can't/won't go into here but I should still be able to be honest without fearing they will turn it around onto me. I have thought all night and morning about how to say what I need to say in a "nice" way. That it's not okay, that I'm not okay and that they have let me down. Kinda hard to say that nicely though isn't it? Nobody likes to hear that so it doesn't matter how nice you say it, they're going to take it badly especially if they are oblivious.
The silver lining, of course, is the people who have been there. My mother always said if you had more true friends than you could count on one hand you were a very lucky person indeed. She never did say anything very useful but this. This has always stuck with me. It doesn't make it any easier at times but it certainly rings true. We have so many acquaintances in this life but true friends, loyal friends are not easy to find (and often not the people we thought).
So when I sit and count the friends that have been here over the past three weeks and offered to take my kids for sleepovers or invite me out for dinner or come and stay a whole week because they can - so very grateful to my mother-on-law for doing this - that is when I realise that I have more than enough true friends, loyal friends.
Friends that will go the extra mile, friends that are there for a cuppa and a chat, friends that will make time even when they have a ton of commitments, friends that will put me first - not that I expect that to happen time and again but occasionally it is nice to know that someone thinks you're worth it - friends that give me compliments and boost my esteem when I truly need it, friends that will do my ironing, friends that are a phone call away and friends that I would do the same for in return, no questions asked.
So to those friends. THANK YOU!!!
While I am struggling to process the sense of sadness I am feeling, I also know that I have a group of trusted friends that are there when I need them.
We headed up to AJ's school today for the ANZAC memorial service.
I admit to being one who gets teary eyed when we sing our national anthem or anything Australian related which is a little weird because if you asked me I wouldn't claim to be full of patriotism by any means.
But I do appreciate and honour the ANZACs, my grandfather being one of them, for putting their lives on the line time and again for our country.
Today at the service, I noticed a few small kids, probably around the age of 2, running around on the oval, squeals and giggles to boot, and my first thought was wondering whether the guests there today thought that to be an insult. I know these kids were only 2 and I had trouble keeping my own two little ones quiet - no success with the Wee One whatsoever which resulted in me having to walk away from the minute's silence part of the service - but I feel immense guilt when my kids mess up at times like this. I know they can't possibly fathom the magnitude of what we are making them sit through but I can't help feeling that I have failed in some small way.
And then in that split second what I also realised was that maybe, just maybe (even hopefully) when our soldiers attending at these memorials see those kids running around FREE, they fill with pride because they fight to allow us such freedom. It is because of them and those before them who fought and lost their lives that we have the luxury of such freedom and that is something to be forever grateful for.
My biggest Miss went to bed tonight extremely early after a total meltdown. Being that her school is now up a mountain, the drive can often leave us all with blocked ears.
This afternoon poor AJ - who was obviously extremely tired after a string of later than normal nights - could not get her ear to "pop" and became increasingly distressed to the point of declaring we may need to take a trip to the hospital.
She said that Daddy put some drops in her ear the last time this happened and then it went away. Desperate to calm her - the Wee One was having a shit fit by this stage as well mind you and I think poor Grandma wanted to run for the hills. She's going to be asleep for about a week when she leaves to go home tomorrow - and knowing we have never had ear drops in our house ever as far as I'm aware, I told her to go and lie down and I would get the drops for her. I was really just trying to buy some time until the Nurofen worked. ;p
I put some warm water in a dropper and put three in her ear as per what Daddy did last time. She said she had to lie there for 10 minutes and then roll over so the drops would come back out. I went back to her in about five, gave her one of Daddy's shirts to sleep in and she said she felt better.
So cute seeing her all curled up in one of the smallest of Daddy's shirts I could find. She flaked almost instantly and I'm hopeful after a good rest she'll be feeling much better tomorrow.
With only a week to go though it's obvious Daddy's absence is being felt just that little bit more now.
Don't ask me how I've been a mother for seven years already because I can't fathom it myself and I'm scared of how quickly she is growing up. I really feel totally unprepared.
To make matters worse, she requested her first little "bra" set the other day. All her friends are wearing them, ya know? So we found some little tops and knickers for her and she was beaming! I don't recall being that happy about my first AA training cup bra that my mother had to buy me (read forced me to wear) when I was in Year 12 - can we all say, late bloomer? - because the school had chosen a new shirt that was, well, see through to some extent. Thank goodness my mother had the sense to actually force me to wear a bra because I sure as heck didn't want to. Not that I wanted to wear the see through shirt either but the thought of a bra when I really didn't need one seemed just soooo embarrassment.
Anyway. She has the new "bra" sets and she is happy. This is the least of my worries to be honest. She also takes it upon herself to spray perfume before school and I have said it might be best to get her a body spray rather than her using my adult perfume for school.
And this is where my problems started. I thought it would be a simple little task, possibly simpler than buying the "bra" sets. Not something I thought I'd be tackling just yet but simple all the same. BUT ...
... with body sprays named "Tease", "Goddess", "Flirtalicious" and "Stiletto Sista" to name but a few? Well, I'm sorry but the thought of buying those for my not even seven year old ... let's just say I'm heading to the Body Shop this week to buy her a Cherry Blossom body mist instead.
... the heart grow fonder or wonder according to one of my friends.
CJ and I are definitely not the type of people who benefit from spending a lot of time without each other so when he wanted to do this trip to America I was worried. BUT...
He has been away for 11 days now with another 8 to go and thankfully I am missing him like crazy.
Why am I surprised and thankful?
If you had asked me about a week prior to his departure (and some of you did) how I thought him being away would affect us here, I would have said (and probably did) I was worried that I might enjoy it too much. I was hoping that him being away would spark something in me, reignite my need for him, the need to be with him. But, at that stage, I was quietly unconvinced that this would happen.
So I am VERY thankful that it has. I miss him. I want him home to be with me, with the girls, as a family, as we were before I started feeling that way. It has been a long time coming. I have been feeling that way for a good six months, maybe longer. It wasn't so much the feeling but more the length of time it has stayed. I think, after every baby, hormones have played a big part in me feeling this way at one point or another but I have always been able to blame it on the hormones and, once things have settled, those feelings disappear.
This time around though the feelings have lingered for far too long and that, coupled with a very bad reading from a clairvoyant on New Years Eve, had left me feeling like this was the beginning of the end. And it led to a rut that I couldn't see a way clear of. Between typing at night and him working all week and dance classes all day Saturdays there was very little time for us to connect or reconnect or even say "Hi. How are you?" some days and that alone makes it so hard to know what your heart is truly feeling about this now stranger.
And I was worried. The thoughts of leaving and raising three children had crossed my mind. I was terrified. That was never going to happen to me, to us, to our children. How did we get here? How do I get back? I was just. Stuck.
And now. Now that feeling has dissipated and what is left is the new (and improved) old feeling that has always been there since the first time I laid eyes on him. That old feeling of needing him with me, near me, so close that I could melt into him.
And now it's all I can do to wish on every star that these feelings are the ones that I feel when he is standing right in front of me. The man I had dreamed about before I ever met him, the man I loved at first sight, the man I knew was "the one", - seriously. If he had asked me to marry him on our first date, I would have said YES - the man I have loved for so long, the man I want to raise my children with, the man I want along side me for the ups and downs and in betweens, the man who makes me laugh (and cry) like nobody else can, the man who loves our children more than life itself, the man who loves me more.
I was going to come in with excuses for being so slack with my posts but then decided why waste a post when I could add something fun instead.
So, here is our Easter rundown. In a nutshell, a great Easter, quite possibly one of the best!!!
And the surprises weren't just for the kids this year.
We started our humble easter egg hunt here with some cryptic clues/poems. So fun now that AJ can read and Schmoo gets the concept of the clues. Just provided that extra element to our usual hunts - well except that Schmoo managed to guess most of the clues before her overly literal older sister who just didn't get it - and made them take that little bit of extra time too.
We had then agreed that we would head out to our friends place to finish the hunt with their little boy. We all know fun is doubled when it is shared so off we went to hang out with our friends and have a cruisy morning of hot cross buns, cups of tea and loads of chocolate!!!
What we hadn't realised was that said friends and sister-in-law had their own surprise for the grown ups and weren't we ecstatic when said sister-in-law walked through the door after flying in from the NT the night before. Mother-in-law was a happy, tearful mess and we were all so excited to see Aunty Trins. We did spoil the surprise a little by heading out to the farm earlier than expected but surprise it was nonetheless.
The kids finished their egg hunt and we all just chilled out and enjoyed the company for the morning. Our friends are only home due to a very (could have ended so differently) scary horse riding accident and we are very relieved that a very nasty ankle break - as in the doctor's thought the bone would die break but she has proved them all wrong with her incredible determination and self discipline. And she has been so positive the whole time. Have I mentioned how amazing I think she is? - was the extent of the damage to our beautiful friend. The upside, of course, is that we get to see them heaps while she is on the mend!!!
And to top off our easter weekend both big girls mastered their bike riding sans training wheels! So proud of both of the clever little kids!
And now we have farewelled the husband (aka Daddy) as he embarks on a three week trip to the States and I am left to defend our territory and fend off three little people should they turn on me! Eeeek!!!!
Let's hope we don't lose power.
TV is my friend!!!
This could really go either way and I could be in here either a lot or very little or maybe never again!