Okay, so let's face it. I second guess myself on e-ver-y-thing!!!
The background of this blog is no different. But I think I'm okay with this one.
While we're on the topic of second guessing. I just can't help myself. I don't know why I do it but, more particularly, why I get so offended when I get pulled up on it.
Well, not entirely true. It is purely dependent upon the way I am pulled up on it.
Today, at our first of a couple of family gatherings we will be having this week so that everybody can catch up before Christmas, I found myself, yet again, the victim of pack mentality.
My family are really bad for it. They had started before my younger brother had arrived and I think, for the most part, this year I didn't contribute. I am trying to make a conscious effort to stay out of these family "traditions" for want of a better word.
And I have retraced all of my actions today and I can honestly say I don't believe there was a time when I jumped on the bandwagon. Now, that may be purely because it was directed at me all day today so really there wasn't much chance but I like to think I have made progress with this.
But you know the bit that bites the most? My husband doesn't even particularly like any of the members in my family and yet, when they start, he joins them. I wonder if they realise how much of an effect it has on me. I wonder if they realise that I have sat here all afternoon going over today's events and being so sad that they saw this as an appropriate way to treat me.
And let's now look at what they were targeting me about. My schooling dilemma with AJ. Yes, they have listened and been my sounding board for two years - can I just state that, while two years seems like an awfully long time, it's not like I was talking to them every single day. In fact it would probably equate to possibly four times a year at best and we need to also remember that these are the people who advised that I stick it out and see what happens, hence the reason it has gone on for two long years. And nobody's feeling those two years more than me I can tell you now - and yes, they have watched me think and overthink and rethink again and ask for more advice and I know it must get tiresome but, really, does that not display just how hard a decision this has been for me?
Does it not ask for a little understanding while I muddle my way through it? Does it not ask that they refrain from subjecting me to ridicule and criticising my parenting and making me really question how other people perceive me?
Because this is exactly what they have done today. They have made me second guess myself. Again. When I all I really want to do is try to forget about the school year ahead because while I am sitting here second guessing and rehashing, how must AJ be feeling when she sees me doing this? Surely her faith in me must shake just a little when she sees me questioning what I have promised her is the best thing to do.
And so, I vow to myself and to my gorgeous little Miss AJ that I will not bring this to light again for the next five weeks! I will not doubt my decision or my ability at doing what is right for my children. I have a great instinct that works perfectly fine and that same instinct that told me in week one of the Prep Year to pack her up and get out of there is still yelling the same thing to me now two years later.
I will (try) not to worry about what others think of me and remind myself that for each of my family members - Funnily enough these family members, singularly, will all agree that I am doing what needs to be done yet, in a group, I'm fair game. It's a trait of my family's that I really dislike. The "ganging up" on one member for the pleasure of the pack! But I fear it's almost the Australian way because I see it with so many other families. Maybe I'm not tough enough or maybe it's because I was and still am usually on the receiving end but I find it uncomfortable to be laughing at someone else's expense and, on the occasion that I catch myself doing it, I feel horrid for weeks/months later - who think I am being "that parent", I have a friend somewhere else who is right behind me all the way, 100% certain I have made the right choice and that I am doing what is right for my child.
So, to my friends, thank you! You may not have any idea how much your confidence in me is keeping me afloat right now!
And now, with all of that off my chest, I do hope you are all off to a great Christmas season. I am so excited about Christmas this year. Two little girls who "get it" and one little bubba who might not get it all that much but seems to be feeding off the Christmas spirit that is around. She is much more settled these past couple of weeks and I'm hoping it's a nice little interlude before she starts on another tooth, preferably after the New Year.
Did you hear that Santa?
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