Life Values...

Okay, so I promised I would come back and give some specific examples with regards to the seminar last weekend.

Now, remembering that I was just there "because" and had not set any real goals or expected much to happen I will start with Friday night (actually for me it was Saturday morning because I left 5 minutes early to catch the train) where we were asked to write down our life values and then put them in order of priority.

It was a little confronting having to be so honest about this stuff but I'm really glad I did it. I admit that money was right up there under family and happiness - technically I had chopped up family into three different areas so money came in at #5. Then we were asked to write down to what percentage we thought we were taking positive steps forward to achieving fulfillment in these areas and what percentage we felt we were taking steps backward.

Then we were asked to write down what we thought the life values would be of someone we perceived as successful in a goal we would like to achieve and mine couldn't have been more obvious. Being that Saturday morning I was still quite unaware of what I was getting myself in for, the only goal that really came to mind at that point was to be a great mother.

So, I took stock of all the mums I perceive as great mums - obviously I'm sure they have their faults but as a whole I think they are amazing - and I noticed that they all make time for themselves. Whether that be a pilates class or swimming or yoga or going to dinner with girlfriends or ... whatever - you get the picture - they all do something that is just for them. And it's not usually a one off here and there but an, at least, weekly thing. And the other was support.

AND, when he asked if anyone had come up with anything, I put my hand up and spoke to a 200 strong crowd! ME! Miss "What will they think of me". I did it. And I was calm.

It felt really good and it was something that made me think that while I think "selfish" is a bad term, everyone needs to be. Just a little bit. And if your family isn't the support you had hoped for that doesn't mean there isn't any. Support comes from unexpected sources if you just say "yes please". I am learning to say "yes" a lot more.

So, that was the first thing that made me really think this seminar might not be so bad after all.

Oh and just to add, by the end of the seminar my values had not so much changed, although the family stuff all became one again which felt much better, but had definitely shifted in priorities. While family was still at the top, money was right down the bottom with everything else taking a priority. And it really feels like that. I know - and they said it too - that a lack of money certainly adds stress to our lives but it just didn't seem quite as significant as when I first arrived. I still think of it as very important in terms of our life and what we want to achieve but just not at the expense of other stuff, you know?

I will be back with more I promise but right now I have a teething baby that is going to be awake again soon so I need to get myself off to bed to try and get any amount of sleep she graces us with this evening.

He Gets It...

So, after this trainwreck I vowed to get in shape and get those tummy muscles working for me.

A friend accompanied me on the train to the first day of the seminar and she too asked if I was pregnant. Being that she is another "mum" to me I politely told her no. Okay, that's a total lie. I got my panties in a twist without being too aggressive. ; p

But, being that she is a clairvoyant, and after she explained that she is worried about me having another one because I seem to be so busy already - yes Mum, thank you for the concern, you who has never been asked to take care of me or my children - I decided I could let it slide.

Just as an aside, did I mention that double edged sword where people ask and then say "oh thank goodness" like it's any of their damn business anyway? So they offend you the first time by assuming you are pregnant and then make out like you would be mad if you were. They are more than socially inept Mel! LOL

Anyhoo, I digress. After my big seminar and feeling all powerful and motivated I started with some tummy exercises. I then received an email from said "mum" to say that she had spoken with her Physiotherapist who had advised that situps etc could do way more harm than good if my abs were still separated. And, after consulting with my good friend Dr Google, it is confirmed that said muscles are not coming together as they should. They just aren't feeling the love.

So, yesterday we went for our weekly morning tea visit with my grandparents and pulled up at the Physio that is just next door. I had spoken with the husband on the eve of the visit and he agreed that it might be worth getting it checked first before I do anything further - and I have to just add to this story that this is the same husband who has thought I was just making excuses for the past 10 months and then, coincidentally perhaps or not, after my seminar has now come around to the idea that just maybe something ain't quite right. I will do a separate post about this because this was a BIG thing for me on Sunday let me tell you - so I popped in to see if the Physio would speak to me, not really expecting him to without an appointment and a bill.

BUT he did see me and he told me he and his wife live with this same problem every day. She having had twins for her first pregnancy and a couple of singletons thereafter has the very same problem. So what did he say?

He said their youngest child is 2.5 and she has being core strengthening exercises for a long time and it just won't fix itself. He also said that it's not to say this will happen to me but that if it does and once I decide that we have reached our limit in the child rearing department that having it surgically repaired is the next option.

He suggested that I can do these exercises with them and that my health fund would cover it. The bad news is we are not in a health fund so I'm doing the sums in my head and my those muscles are desperately trying to make their way back together to avoid the cost but I knew that the money would be worth to make sure I'm getting the correct exercises and giving my muscles a really good shot and righting themselves. And with a former Cirque De Soleil performer as my trainer I figure I'm getting pretty good value for money!

However, I thought I'd ask about Medicare rebates just in case of which there are none but what I did find out was that if I can get my doctor to give me a referral I can get five free visits!!! And they are happy to take me on for those five free visits.

I am feeling really positive about this now and feel so much better about the fact that there isn't a lot I could have done about this except get it checked much sooner than I did.

Just another lesson in trusting one's instinct huh?

And, as Bridgie Didge suggested, I have a pair of those lovely suck me in pants just to get me through. The downside being that with a sway back they kinda just make me look like I have a very smooth rounded tummy. LOL

Unexpected...

So, as you all know, I have been kinda in a slump lately. Probably one of my worst when speaking of my marriage. I was getting worried if I am to be completely honest.

Worried that this might be it. This might be what happens to "those" couples who choose to go their separate ways. This might be that exact moment and feeling and colour and sound that you feel when it occurs. Gladly I was wrong.

BUT, what it did uncover was that I am slightly jealous of my husband. Jealous that my husband can be so damn selfish at times without a hint of guilt. Not. One. Little. Bit. And you know what? I wanna piece of that. I want to feel what it's like to be selfish - probably not to any great length, just a little bit if you please - and not feel guilt.

So, more as a lesson to myself than anything else I decided to go and do this seminar. Now, as I've just stated. It was more the act of leaving the family for a couple of days and do something for me. It really wasn't going to matter what "that" was. But it had to be something bigger than just an hour's walk or going for a coffee with a friend.

So this was it. Three days. Three extremely long days including the 2 hour round trip. I think in total we're talking about 18 hours for the first day, 16 for the second and around 14 for the third. Massive huh?

And in the spirit of honesty, I really thought I'd go the first day and find an excuse or a reason to not be into it and not even last the full day. I thought I'd be home by dinner time with no pull to return.

But, it was free. FREE! One of my friend's suggested I was certainly taking the hard road to get three days to myself. I also said to my husband that the most I was really wasting was time and petrol money. I think this weekend cost me about $60 all told including coffee. Three days and $60. And being that I was only going to be there for the one day it wasn't even going to cost me that right?

So, off I go to the seminar and as predicted wasn't feeling much for the first bit. Needless to say, looking back in retrospect, I was probably quite shut off from any ideas they were throwing around at that point anyway but I called my husband and advised him that I'd stick around for one more session.

And then....

It happened.

They caught me totally off guard. They threw in some things that I could not have imagined learning in that first night and I was hooked. I was mildly curious as to what was going to happen the next day. I still wasn't jumping out of my boots excited but I was curious. And curious is a very good motivator I have discovered.

They did it again on Saturday. Oh. My. God. They got me! You know how sometimes you go to a seminar or even a Dr Phil show - my friend and I did this just recently and while it wasn't bad, it didn't have the big Wow! factor I had expected - and they tell you that you shouldn't feel this way and you need to let go of those emotions BUT never show you how to do it? Well, this was not one of those.

Not only did they tell us what to let go of, they showed us how. They showed us the most important part. And in doing so opened up an endless list of goals and possibilities for my future that not even I could believe. To say I was amazed is probably an understatement. Inspired? Yeah I was. On so many levels. They say it's not an inspirational or motivational program but a total transformation and I have to say it's a pretty accurate description. I feel transformed.

Here I was. A mother of three just trying to teach myself a lesson and BAM! I got more than I asked for! I got the first lesson nice and easy but the others. Wow! They came in one after the other and all those things I heard before slowly started making sense.

So what was the biggest lesson I learnt? I have thought about this for over 24 hours as I process so many of the wonderful gifts and insights they gave me or, more to the point, I allowed myself to receive. But the biggest? Hmmmm. Let me think. I really would have to say that it made me really aware of the fact that I have not set a goal in over a year. Not. One. Goal. Not even a tiny one.

Nothing. Why was I flailing when normally I can be so on track? I was stuck. There was nowhere for me to go. I had reached the goals I had set and there I was just hanging around doing not much but waiting for something to happen. And I need to point out that I am merely stating this as a fact. Not a reprimanding to myself or a feeling of failure just a "this is what it is" kinda thing.

And now my goals are so much bigger than even I knew they would be walking out of there. I can hardly believe myself the magnitude of the goals that I have envisioned. Living with purpose, you know? I feel so light, like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders - funnily enough, even though consciously I had decided that I would feel my negative emotions in my heart or stomach, when they took us through the process I got the most incredible heaviness in my shoulders. I thought I was going to fall down under that pressure and here I've been carrying that around for so long - and I have purpose again.

So, can I say that no matter what you are looking for at the moment this just might be something for you. A lot of it we all know. There's no mistaking that. They try and sell you other programs, they don't make any secret of that but hey, if you don't want to buy the programs then don't - I didn't although I was very close to signing up for one thing in particular which I have no doubt I'll be signing up for next year - but I truly believe that you'll take something away from this.

Be warned. They love to see you immerse yourself with reckless abandon into this. Something I wasn't sure I had in me. And there is so much more to this story than I can write here at the moment. I will try and get down a few particular sessions over the coming days because I really want to document the feelings I have experienced.

I'm booking in for the next one. No doubt about it.

The other thing I have to say though is this.... the universe really has good timing, doesn't it?

Look Out World...

... the Wee One is mobile.

And she thinks she's pretty damn clever too. Today she has added a little "hand over the head pointing at things" move just to prove she's got the hang of it. You know?

And she's only 10 months. She looks tiny standing there. Too small to be doing this yet.

And it has dawned on me that in under 2 months - not even 8 weeks away - she will be one!

ONE!!!

*wipes a tear from her eye*

There's gonna be a lot more of those, I guarantee it!

*I apologise in advance for the high pitchedness - yes, it's a word now - of my voice! Bwahahahaha

Island Princess...

Schmooey is obsessed with all things Barbie at the moment but more importantly all things Barbie Island Princess.

So much so that for the past three days she has insisted on a plait and a flower in her hair.

At least she's actually letting me do her hair for a change. I'll take it where I can get it.

Our Little Star...

She got her first job a few weeks ago.

Excited...

I have been told on numerous occasions that my girls should be signed to a modelling agency but have never really felt the need to put them through what could possibly be a confidence destroying experience.

I know only too well how much money one can pay in the hopes of being a model or actor so was very hesitant to put the girls forward. We all know that people will tell you want you want to hear when it comes to you handing out the cash.

BUT, after my photographer friend (take particular note of the photo of the month) suggested yet again that I really should consider it and recommended an agency that she is now affiliated with I felt a little more comfortable.

We met the owner of the agency and she is fantastic. One of the most important things for me is that she is hands on and can be reached if needed. When you call the office, chances are she'll pick up the phone. I like that.

Anyway, AJ was booked for a video that they will be showing in the Australian Pavilion at World Expo Shanghai next year. Exciting huh?

And Action...

And what was required? For her to play Mini Golf for an hour. One. Hour. And the fee? A not-to-be-sniffed-at $500.

Imagine? $500 for an hour's work/play, whatever you wish to call it. So, of course, my husband came up with the obvious plan.

He suggested telling her that payment was playing Mini Golf and we pocket the $500.

That's a wrap

The money will be going into her savings account. LOL

Time and Space...

A downward spiral. Not sure when I'm going to hit the bottom and start coming back up but I hope it's soon.

I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling like I'm wasting time feeling this way but I just can't snap out of it.

It happens every now and then. I know I'll be okay.

It just takes time. And it seems to take a lot more time these days because I don't get space to deal with things so they all get pushed to the bottom and then come bubbling up all at once.

*sigh*

Time and space. Not much. Just a little every now and then.

That's all I need.

Don't Bring Me Down...

The husband and I started swing dancing again a few weeks back and it has been great to get out of the house, child-free no less, and dance and socialise and. Have. Fun.

Well, that was until last night. And now. Now I feel like, if I never went back again, I would be doing my self esteem a huge favour. 

I have been very self-conscious since my 2nd caesarian birth. This is not a weight issue either. It's a shape issue. Six pregnancies and three births later - and let's remember my children are not born small with the Wee One weighing in the lightest at 9lb - my stomach has been left in such an odd shape, I fear it will never go back to the way it was. It's almost like they have left something too far up and there is this bulge where there should be no bulge. I am almost tempted to go back to the hospital and ask for an ultrasound to make sure everything is sitting in the right place. I hope I'm wrong and that it is purely a time thing and doing a squillion situps will get it back to some "normal" kind of shape.

I try to just forget about it for the most part and do situps when/if I ever manage to steal a break from caring for three small people but for the past three or so months almost on a weekly basis someone - and it can be anyone from a stranger walking down the street to someone who knows me and knows I have a 9 month old baby to someone who sees me with my 9 month old baby - has asked when I am expecting! 

What the FUCK??? I could have sworn there was an unwritten law about not asking people that question. And it's not just men. It's women too. I normally put on that nice fake smile one does when the feeling to run and hide is trying to overtake every part of your mind and body, and say "Oh I've just had a baby" or some such little nicety.

And then, the kicker. THEY turn around and say "Oh dear. I feel so bad now. Sorry!" Sorry? You're fucking sorry? And you feel bad? Well, let me tell you, I can guarantee you don't feel anywhere near as bad as how you have just made me feel!!!

And so, when two. Yes TWO people asked me last night in the space of an hour it was all I could do not to run out the door crying. I held it together until the very end of class and then made a hasty retreat to my car where I cried all the way home, silent husband sitting in the passenger seat, not daring to say a word or possibly not even knowing what he could say that would take away that crushing feeling.

And he wonders why I don't believe him when he tells me I look great!