My girls ...

Thought I'd post a pic of the girls that AJ took the other day.

I had always thought myself so blessed to have two little girls who were the best of friends and who rarely fought and now, that the bickering has started, maybe I didn't appreciate it enough.

They are still, for the most part, good friends but when they start at each other first thing in the morning it really sends me into a state. What happened to my little girls that were so tolerant and polite to each other?

This morning I caught a glimpse of those girls and they really are a gorgeous little pair. I know they still don't fight anywhere near as much as other people's children and I am really grateful for that, especially at this point in my pregnancy with hormones running riot.

But if little miss 5 going on 15 could drop the attitude for a little longer than an hour and little madame I'm-two-and-everything-is-mine could just quit with having to be first all the time - which by the way is the biggest bone of contention because AJ has been first for so long and now has to share - I'm sure my stress levels would resume to a relatively normal level.

Thank goodness AJ is at school or I think I'd seriously be pulling my hair out and wondering what the hell I was thinking adding #3 into the mix.

Yes, you .... little baby getting all cosy in there. Come on! It's time to go...

Just quietly though when you hear our house in full swing it's kinda understandable why you're staying put. I'm actually a bit jealous that I can't join you in that bubble where everything sounds slightly less "LOUD"!

Whenever You're Ready ...

So, I know it was only a few weeks ago that I said I could wait until this little one decides to join us but ...

COME ON ALREADY!

I know, I know. I'm not even 40 weeks yet and I've done so well to get here without feeling frustrated or disappointed but I think knowing my c/sec date would have been either Monday or Wednesday at the latest this week has just brought about this urgency to have a baby. 

Not to mention all the little teases along the way. The period pain that starts in the early hours of the morning only to be gone again when I get up with the girls or the "I-think-these-might-be-real" feelings I get towards the end of the night when my tummy goes rock hard and there's that little feeling of discomfort.

Plus, the excitement I feel that I can really do this. I am feeling so positive about the birth and I just want to get started, you know?

*sigh*

Yesterday was my day to totally lose it. I think I cried nearly every hour. Blame it on the hormones. I know this is right. I know this baby will come when the time is right but it's so hard to be patient when the finish line is in sight.

So please little one, don't make mummy wait too much longer. I want to meet you and hold you safely in my arms.

Another Yearly Reminder ...

I can't believe on looking back through my posts and after the weekend I have had it is almost to the day that my mother has done this again.

It is an eery coincidence that for all the distancing I had managed to achieve over the past 12 months we are right back here again. How did I get here again? I wasn't even meant to see her on the weekend just gone and yet when I went there I knew instantly her aim was to get under my skin.

I tried and tried this time to keep it personable after being told how "sick" she is and that she is not a well person mentally or emotionally but again, there I was right in the thick of it except this time Schmoo was with me and boy did that tick me off.

I don't care what you say to me but do not EVER involve my children in this shit! EVER!!! If it is the one thing I will fight for it is to keep my kids out of this stuff. I went through enough as a child myself to understand the damage that dragging kids through adult issues can do and when it is still to do with the same shit I dealt with as a kid ....

Just leave my kids out of it. This is not their battle. This is not their reality nor is it their responsibility to bear witness to these manipulative, emotional mind games.

So, here we are again. Obviously, I have not distanced myself enough or managed to keep a safe distance more to the point. I left before the situation got any worse but not before I told her that I would never do this again with her and to now consider us out of her life for good.

It's going to get tough. She's called 5 times over 24 hours before being taken to hospital - she had arranged to be admitted to a psych ward prior to the weekend - and even while there and so desperate to receive help she still is manipulating my grandparents by getting them to call and put the guilt trip on me about being a supportive family member.

I have in no uncertain terms told them all where I stand and told them that I will not be contacting her and she is no longer welcome to contact me. I will let them know when our child is born and they are free to pass on this news but she is not welcome to visit. Sounds harsh huh? I cringe even writing it but I need to save myself and my family from this yearly lashing out that seems to occur.

I am 2 weeks off my due date for fucks sake. Why should I be expected to deal with this now? I have picked up any belongings I had stored at her house because I know she will destroy them when she returns home from the hospital. I've been here before at the tender age of 16 when I chose to live with my father and was harassed for months on end so I know it is not as simple as cutting contact.

This is just the beginning of screening phone calls, looking over my shoulder, banning AJ from answering the phone and sticking to my guns at the risk of upsetting my poor grandparents even further. My grandfather understands I think. My uncle definitely does.

And just to top it all off today I find out it all revolves around her drinking AGAIN! My mother has this insane reality of always wanting to get the better of everyone. So for the last year she thinks she has been so clever because none of us knew what she had been up to.

I know that the drinking is just masking the underlying problem which is essentially some kind of personality disorder. It's the whole display of teenage rebellion, I'll show you attitude that continues to amaze me when it's coming from a 57 year old woman. What is it proving? Where is it actually getting her except closer to the death sentence the doctors prescribed a couple of years ago when they said she's got about 7 years left if she stays on this path?

So every year it gets that little bit worse but I think this year has to be the year I stop the cycle. I don't want to be doing this again in a 12 months from now. It's time to accept the loss that will be and move forward. It's not going to be easy but the alternative really is so much harder to sustain.

Another Year Gone By ....

I can't say it any better than I did last year when I wrote this.

But I will ask for my little guardian angles to watch over and guide this new baby to us safely within the next couple of weeks.

So Much For Early ...

My intention was to go to bed early tonight. Ya-huh!

And here I am, looking at cloth nappy sites even though I really don't need anything and just wasting time in general.

My appointment at the hospital went well, although I was expecting them to give me a date for the c/sec due to the breech baby that I was carrying. Was, that is, until it decided to turn Sunday night just in time for my appointment with the hospital on Monday. Cheeky little monkey.

So, now it really is just a wait and see game. They are happy to leave me be and the only catch is they will not induce me so, if by some chance, I end up at my 41 week appointment they will book me in for a c/sec.

And I'm okay with that. I have moments where I think I've made the wrong choice and feel like I should have just booked in and been done with it but I still believe deep down that this baby will come when it's ready and that bub has turned for a reason. This is a sign to stay true to my first birth choice and not let fear or anxiety deter me.

Of course, the downside to this is now I have no idea when I will meet this little one but in the grand scheme of things that's okay with me. I am happy and ready to meet this baby when s/he is ready to join our family.

Now we just have to hope that s/he is going to stay put because at the first sign of bub turning again my GP has to let the hospital know who will in turn book me for a c/sec. So, not quite out of the woods but things are certainly looking promising.

And now I really should switch the computer and my brain off and get a decent night's sleep.

Famous Last Words ...

Still sitting here procrastinating. Well, okay, I have done stuff since I last posted like clean the bathroom, laundry and toilet. I've also done most of the bookwork for one BAS statement in preparation for a final bank statement so I don't have that much to do over the next week really.

But ... while sitting here wasting time I came across this little gem. I remember writing those words and being so sure there would NEVER be a next time. Not even an inkling that I could possibly do this again and yet, here we are.

The cot has been assembled, the change table is in place, the clothes have been sorted for washing and I can almost say I'm ready. But the reality is, I just can't see the reality of another baby and it's scaring me. It's the weirdest feeling and I don't know if I felt this way with either of the girls. I'm sure I didn't with AJ and maybe it did feel a little surreal when I was pregnant with Schmoo and imagining what sort of dynamic she would bring to this family. I truly can't remember.

But this time I'm just hanging on by my fingernails before dropping off the brink of sanity into an unknown void of sheer panic. I find it hard to accept how 'easy' this pregnancy has been and yet, I know, with Schmoo and AJ, there wasn't a lot of drama to be had past 12 weeks. 

And then I have to remind myself that I guess it hasn't been that easy. There was the same anticipation in the first 12 weeks as there has always been plus the added scare of the GP not being able to find a heartbeat at ... what was that? 14 weeks?

I remember my logic being so simple with AJ. I remember thinking (and probably writing) if i got to 12 weeks everything would be fine. I was so confident with this logic and yet, each time I am pregnant it's harder to stay focused on that simple logic. I know it took a little longer with Schmoo to feel like everything would be okay but with this baby I don't think I will really feel it until I have this little one safe in my arms.

See what happens when I slow down? My brian just stays switched on and focuses on stress and anxiety. And as I keep saying this pregnancy has gone by so quickly I just don't know if my brain has had time to process the whole "new arrival" thing which is why I'm feeling this way. Okay, so this is my theory anyway.

I don't know. I'm just rambling. I'm finding myself getting very tired at this time of the afternoon and probably quite hormonal.

And yet there is that little hint of excitement that wants to bubble to the surface when I think about how close we are to meeting this new member of our family. And there it is. The double edged sword of feeling totally not ready for this but wanting this little one out safe, happy and healthy in my arms to relieve the anxiety and put a stop to the torment.

So, tell me these are just normal pregnant woman moments!

Please?

PS. And now I'm going to hit publish post and the truth about my insane ability to overthink things will be shown in it's entirety. I'm really not that crazy. *blush*

Sooo ...

I'm 36 weeks today. The countdown really is on, isn't it?  I can't believe the meeting of this new babe is only weeks away.  It's terrifying and exciting all in one. I bought some newborn sposies (nappies) this week and could not believe my eyes when I took the first one out of the pack. They are so tiny. I don't remember either of my girls being that tiny. Not that they were for long. Neither of them were in newborn nappies for more than a month, the little monsters that they were.

So, BAS statements need to be done due to the fact that baby and BAS are all due at the same time, still need to set up the nursery and wash the clothes and clean the house. I'm afraid to say my nesting bug has well and truly diminished over the past week or so and I really need to find some motivation to get cleaning. 

AJ did the dusting yesterday. Her choice not mine. Apparently somebody's got to do it! And she was also overhead telling Nani Kaf the other night that she is going to be very busy when the new baby comes because mummy will still be typing! ROFL

She has already started to prepare herself for the big job of taking Schmoo to swimming lessons.  Apparently, she's ready to take control if necessary and if for some reason daddy isn't around for the first few weeks. She's had a discussion with him about the sequence of events to follow so I think he's now officially in the loop.

I'm also trying hard to slow down but I'm finding that the more I slow down the more I can't get motivated to get anything done which I really think is a bad thing. It's kind of like, if you slow down and stop doing certain things you have more hours to do what you don't really want to (such as cleaning) and then you procrastinate because you know you've got more time to do it. Does that makes sense to anybody but me right now?

Anyway, going to take Schmoo's nappy off now, start my bookwork and then get onto some cleaning. I promise!

Dummies, Bottles and ....

So, not much longer after hitting publish on my last post it would seem Schmoo has turned the corner and has realised that requesting her dummy at hourly intervals is futile and it has well and truly gone (although she did ask for it the other day while we were at the shops probably because she saw every other child with one).

You know that feeling? Like if you're considering buying a new car. Not a one on the road and then you start seeing them everywhere! I think that might be happening to poor old Schmoo when we go out. But she is definitely getting better and the bottles have dropped back to the respectable two we had prior to the sacrificing of the dummy for a toy that she rarely uses. :(

Anyway, the point being she is slowly coming to terms with it which is a relief.

On whole new frontier though, she has decided that she wants to wear knickers! OMG! So not ready or willing to do the toilet training thing. I have been waiting until after the arrival of junior to get started on that because one, I don't think she is quite ready and two, I don't think I'm quite ready especially if she regresses once the new kid on the block arrives.

But, with Dora and Pony knickers at her disposal she is ready and willing - or so she says although I think she has wee'd in just about every pair of knickers she's had on in the past three days - to commence the next phase of her transition from baby to big girl. This morning we have come to a happy medium in having her Dora knickers over her nappy. I know, lazy, lazy, lazy but seriously I'll take the nappy off soon so she we can get started again. There's no point in turning back now is there?

Plus, today is the perfect day being that we should be home all day or only visiting friends so really I should embrace the day, seize the moment and all that and get serious about toilet training.  Think of the money I'll save with only having on baby in nappies again, even though I'm planning on using cloth again it certainly would be easier to only have one in nappies.

Now I've got more to share but my attention span is only short at the moment so I'll have to do another post later.