Reassurance Required...

Meant to post this the day I did it but, better late than never huh?

My question was "About Me Today". Okay, so not as much of a question as a just wanting to know where I was at. Was feeling the need for some reassurance to be perfectly honest. How cool is this card though?

"Self: Ace of Cups

Main (positional) meaning

A fountain of abundance nourishes your life.The card in the Self position reveals aspects of how you perceive yourself right now.

When the Ace of Cups is in this position, you are realizing abundance, emotional security, bonding, comfort, self-love and love for the world. This card signifies the fountain of nurturing and support that we have inside our hearts.

Those who are mystically inclined may think of it as coming from God or a Higher Self; others may see it as springing forth from those around you. In any case, it's an unfailing source of comfort, support and optimism that portrays the world as good, beautiful, and plentiful. This fountain of love pours over everything in your life. "

It has given me a warm fuzzy glow and I must admit to feeling cautiously optimistic about everything right at this point. However, that can only last until a day of no morning sickness when I'm convinced everything is turning sour.

Ah! The vicious circle that is...

Easter Is Fun....

The girls woke to a trail of easter eggs this morning that the easter bunny had clumsily left all over the house leading to the Bunny Eggs in the "cave" (a doona over the piano and couch where the girls play for alot of their day).

This year Schmoo kinda got it and it was sooo cute seeing both of the girls darting from one place to the next to collect the eggs, placing them all in the basket that has been used as our egg collector for the last couple of years.

I am so jealous of them for the amount of chocolate they have consumed today when I am lucky to be able to eat one without feeling like I'm going to vomit - naughty baby!

It was all so very exciting and yet ended way too quickly. This year, you see, we could only have our egg trail indoors due to the sheep, dogs, chooks and cats that threaten to eat anything that is left in the yard. So it was a fairly dismal attempt this year to say the least.

But the girls LOVED it and, really, that's all that matters.

I ducked out to have a yummy Korean lunch with my friend T, to catch up and give her the birthday present she was supposed to receive on Friday. The soup and rice was the perfect cure to keep my pregnancy sickness - what's the point in calling it morning sickness when it last all bloody day? - at bay for a couple of hours.

We then took Mac (my dad) up to my older brothers for a late lunch and the girls totally loved hanging out with their cousins who, admittedly, they haven't seen for quite a while. It was a great afternoon sitting and catching up with family while the kids all ran around and made treasure maps and went exploring together.

So, all in all, it was a successful Easter Sunday.

Now if only I could get Christmas to turn out the same.

Coming Clean...

Okay, I think it's time to put it out there.

I don't know why I've been so cryptic. Maybe it's the feeling that if I speak it, I will jinx myself or it could be that I now know how many people come across this particular space that I'll feel like I'm telling the whole world and then, again, I will jinx us.

*big breath out*

Okay, so here goes....

I had a scan on Monday. By an Obstetrician. And..... There was a heartbeat.

I'm swaying between being totally excited and positive about this to being somewhat scared, not only for the obvious reasons of loss, but for the fact that OMG! that will be 3 kids! I know it's what I wanted but the reality is a little more sobering in all honesty.

So there. It's out. I've told you.

I feel sick and most of it is morning sickness or, in my case, all day sickness but I'm sure some of it is just "please let this little one stay" sickness. You know?

I am scared yet strangely calm for the most part. Maybe that's a good sign. I know logically I can't change the outcome but I'm trying not to let this drain me emotionally.

But, still, I'm scared.

*and breathe*

My Little Marketer...

Before I forget, I also just have to say how impressed I am with my 4 year olds marketing skills.

She's doing a Fun Run at school in a couple of weeks (read little kids running around aimlessly in an obstacle course) and needed to get some sponsorship deals. It started off innocently enough, asking family members to contribute, but then shifted into a far more serious grab at the cash.

She's thinking of Every. Single. Person. She's ever met and asking to call them. She is on a mission to raise a shitload of money my little marketing genious. And, to top it off, gone are the days of your measly $1 sponsor. Oh Noooooo! When asked what they have to pay she starts out with "Oh $5 or $2 or $10!" See that? She's putting the $5 in there first! And it's working.

Not one person has sponsored her for less than $5 even with me suggesting $2 might be a better amount. AND....AND.....she has people so wrapped around her finger she's managed a few $10 sponsors also! Maybe I should have had her marketing my e-book!

I think the psychic channeller was right about one thing....she's going to change the world. There is just something about her that people are drawn to. It's such a bizarre thing to witness. Her, captivating people withing an instant of meeting them. Adults and children alike.

And the amount of kids in her class who really miss her when she's not there. I had parents coming up to me when we returned from our holiday asking if she was okay and how worried their kids were about her. She has a couple of good friends in her class but when she returned to school there were so many kids that were soooo excited to see her. It was insane. And, even stranger, is she just takes it all in her stride and still runs up to her bestie and gives her a "cuggle" because she missed her the most. She seems unwavering in her loyalty to her friends which is something I am so proud of.

I know I am biased but I think she's totally amazing!

Driving = Thinking Too Much...

So, as the title would suggest, I did some driving today and while driving I had alot of thoughts cross my mind. That would be, of course, in between Schmooey asking me over and over and over again "where's Daddy? Work? Ah following Daddy?" This question has come about due to us following Daddy home over a week ago. She doesn't forget my little Einstein.

Anyway, I have a train of thought which often starts somewhere and ends somewhere totally different. Today I was thinking about the things going on in our little world and trying to add a 3rd child to the mix and started thinking about the whole "being pregnant" thing.

This question is playing on my mind so I figure where best to put it but right here.....

Why is it that when I was pregnant with Schmoo everyone kept telling me how great I looked and how I was "all baby" yet, I would say, within a week of having her the comments started about the "extra weight I was carrying" and a few months further down the track the amazement of people when they exclaimed "Oh my! You are really starting to lose that baby weight now!" What the fuck is that about?

I know with both the girls I put on a substantial amount of weight BUT given that I am fairly underweight for my height (pre-babies I was 60kg and 176cm or 5'9" for those playing at home) is it so impossible to understand that my body probably keeps a few pounds under it's belt for breastfeeding and just getting through those first few torturous months of a new addition. Once I have had the baby I stay at around the 73kg mark for a few months and, with very little effort (read none at all), it starts to drop off. I have done nothing potentially life changing on the exercise front since Schmoo was born and am down to 67kgs (only 3kgs off my weight pre-Schmoo and 5kgs pre-AJ) so why do people insist on having a dig?

I. Just. Don't. Understand. Never have understood the obsession people have with weight especially with me when I gain or lose it. The longer I thought about it the more offended I became when remembering some of the comments made not long after Schmoo was born (I think I have said before that I tend to harbour stuff).

And it's bugging me because I HATE having to think about weight at the best of times but feel especially vulnerable when I'm pregnant. I remember being pregnant with Schmoo and stressing about it and putting my weight gain on the calendar each week and stressing about it even more. Not only do I have to stress about my babies sticking around, I find myself stressing about things that really aren't important. I mean, it's not like I'm stacking on 50 kilos FFS!

Phew! So there! I'm glad to have finally got that off my chest. It's obviously been bugging me and it needed to be said. I do need to take a bit more of a proactive approach to exercise because there's a few *ahem* places that need some attention but, as a friend of mine said, I will probably start doing that once I'm finished having babies. I don't need anyone to comment on the tops of my arms being a little bigger. Hell, it's probably from carrying my 12 and 18kg children around. I know where the work needs to be done and I'll do it. One day.

One day when I haven't been woken up 5 times during the night for this and that. One day, when I get more than 10 minutes to myself. One day, when I don't have two little girls fighting over my yoga mat and lying beside me like sardines in a can while I try to do a Pilates workout.

But it won't be one day soon if things go according to plan. ; )

Happy Anniversary???

Got a text message this morning from my friend (after a couple of others to organise a catchup this morning) that read: "P.S. Happy Anniversary"

I was sitting in the car out the front of AJ's school when I received it and couldn't for the life of me work out what she was talking about. I sorted through a few thoughts, taking about 2 minutes, and then it dawned on me, so this is what I wrote back....

"Oh Fuck! I totally forgot! LOL"

Then, of course, I promptly rang my darling husband, had a meaningless conversation and ended it with "Happy Anniversary by the way". He paused, tried to cover it with "aaah yeah", then when I said "don't worry I forgot as well" you could feel the relief pass down the phone line.

We have some very important stuff going on at the moment so it's no wonder both of us forgot. It's almost comforting for me because it means that all the other stuff is, hopefully, falling into place.

Guess, I'll know soon enough.....

Hug If You're Happy....

I received an email from a friend I've just met recently whilst on holidays. It was so great to finally meet up and I'm so glad we did.

Anyway, this email has got me thinking. It has come to my attention that I'm not a 'huggy' kind of person. I don't hug everybody I meet. I don't say hello and goodbye with a kiss and hug. I feel awkward when I do it. Sometimes, I feel obliged to do it and it seems so wrong.

I have no idea why I'm this way. When DH and I first met I hugged him ALOT. So much so, he nicknamed me "The Rash". Noice huh? He said it was an affectionate term but I didn't take too well to that little pearl, let me tell you. He, on the otherhand, is forever giving people a hug hello and goodbye. Which is weird because he found it so annoying when we first met??? Maybe I rubbed off on him and vice versa?

Anyway, I've realised my grandparents give us a kiss when we see them. Well, it's more like an air-kiss daaarrrrling! And my sister-in-law is a hugger so I don't feel too bad hugging her if it happens. BUT, I just don't feel right out and out hugging friends.

I think it has alot to do with my personal space issewes. DH seems to think I have quite the issue when it comes to people invading my space. I'm the one in the line that can't stand to have people standing really close behind and have to turn side-on to open up the space. I can't even allow my kids to get right up in my face without squirming, although I try not to show it. I get really tense and pull my head away. Like when I'm trying to write or draw something for AJ and she leans right over the page so I can barely see what I'm doing. I have to ask so politely for her to move away.

Oh and when I see Michelle from The Biggest Loser hugging those sweaty contestants. Yuck! I cringe! I seriously don't think I could ever be capable of that. Hats off to her. I think it's great that she's so willing to hug them. But, me, I just can't ever see it happening.

At one stage we thought it was due to my eyesight because, according to my optometrist, I see things closer than they are, therefore feeling very suffocated when things/people are too close.

I don't know if that has any relevance but it seems somewhat logical. It's similar to when I'm driving at night. I find it hard to judge the distance of a car coming at me and will often sit and wait for a car to pass that I could have gone in front of twice over.

It's probably also the reason I only dance with a select few people. DH being one of them of course. But I seriously hate being asked to dance most of the time. Especially by sweaty guys! LOL

Anyway, there you have it. I would dearly love to be a hugger. You know, just hug without thinking about it. I hug my kids alot but, in all honesty, that's about it. None of my friends are particularly big huggers either. Maybe that's one of the reasons we are friends???

Maybe I should practice hugging. You know? Start with a tree, then a toy or doll, then gradually move my way up to real living people.

Maybe you can get better at allowing people into your personal space. But, then, I kinda like my space. I don't know if I want everyone thinking they're welcome to enter that personal zone. Especially not the sweaty ones anyway. ; )

Tagged????

Okay, so I've been tagged and I believe I have to tell you all the reasons for my starting a blog. So here goes....

I owned a little florist shop a while back and it was quiet ALOT of the time. I had been to an internet summit - yes, yes I know. The displays of nerdiness continue - and it inspired me to write an e-book. At this summit they also suggested blogging as a way to gain more hits to your sites.

My first blog was for the florist shop. I started it, I have no idea if anyone read it, but it was a good outlet for my ideas and disappointments with regards to the shop not growing as I had expected and the life of a business owner being nothing I had imagined. Soooo, I sold the shop and stopped blogging.

Fast forward a few months later. Actually, I have no idea how much later it was but I'm guessing it wasn't more than a year. Anyway, my book was finally ready to be put online. I paid for the site to be designed and was so excited with the positive responses from friends that I thought it was a sure-fire seller! I had images of me being interviewed by Oprah with my little e-book becoming a hardback! Imagine that!

Alas, it wasn't getting many hits so I decided to start a new blog, Not Tonight Dear. Same name as the book. Maybe it would encourage people to visit the site. Still after 2 years it really hadn't sold many copies so I took the site down just last month. Boo hoo!

But, what I found, was this online diary business was quite addictive and, I didn't find myself writing much about the book, but more about my life. It is somewhat scary to think that anyone around the world can read my thoughts and feelings but, I do like writing so I've discovered. And sometimes I get comments about my posts that make me realise I'm not alone or that I've helped someone else know they're not alone either.

So there you have it! The confessions of a serial blogger.

Happy?