Ooops. Almost forgot...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!!

May 2008 bring you all that you wish for. Remember to be careful what you wish for. Sometimes the Universe really needs us to be quite specific and we end up getting not quite exactly what we asked for because we. Just. Didn't. Spell. It. Out.

Apparently the Universe is not a mind reader.

That's my tip for the New Year.

Take care and stay safe.

See you next year!!!

Now? Yes please...

So, I've been trying to put my finger on it. The reason I feel such a huge desire to have another baby. I've analysed, over-analysed, even re-over-analysed if that's possible. If you knew me, you'd know it's possible. Can probably do it standing on my head. Not that I've tried.

Anyway, after talking with my husband the other week and trying to persuade him to come over to the clucky side it dawned on me. I want a BIG family. I won't get a massive family now. 3 will probably be my limit. But I want/need more bodies here. And it's not essentially about having another baby in the house either. For me it's further down the track that inspires me. When they grow up and have boyfriends/girlfriends, husbands/wives and their own children. Can you picture the chaos? It's just the idea of having people coming and going all the time. I don't like a quiet household where there's nothing doing.

Christmas certainly helped me figure it out. I know that having a baby won't make Christmas any better in the short term or, for that matter, possibly even in the long term but day to day life will certainly get busier. And I know I'll have days where I will kick myself and wonder what the hell I was thinking but those feelings are only fleeting and very quickly replaced by cute little faces and loads of cuggles and kisses.

Anyway I think my husband understands how important this is for me now. And, although deep down he is thinking I've gone slightly mad, I can't praise him enough for how positive he is being about it. After our little scare yesterday I know I can count on him which is so reassuring and I know now that I would welcome those 2 little lines on a HPT tomorrow. I really do think 3 is the magic number for us. No doubts about it.

And now, just to be selfish, can it happen soon please?

What spirit???

Christmas Day wasn't much better than last year to put it nicely. Except, this time, it was more the quietness of the day. That and the pouring rain that stopped me from sitting by the pool all day listening to my new Ipod (had I been able to actually get that to work which didn't happen until the following day)! Apparently I'm not quite as techno-savvy as I give myself credit for.

Anyway, there was only the 5 of us again and it was BORING! I like a busy Christmas. I LOVE having people here. I LOVE a full house, a noisy house. You know, kids laughing, the drone of people holding numerous discussions around the table, the popping of bon bons. I just LOVE it!

It made me realise even more so how much I want our little family to grow up into a closeknit family that celebrates together. Not so closeknit that it freaks people out but just a closeness that makes us want to celebrate as a family.

And I want everybody to join in the festivities not just sit on the sidelines like my husband has done the past few years. Just an unwilling spectator who can take it or leave it.

I think/hope he can see a little more magic in Christmas now that I've explained how his little girl hid his present under her bed for a week and was soooo excited to wrap it up and put it under the tree. And his response - Thanks. Not even worthy of an exclamation mark because he didn't even pretend to be excited.

I think he understands how much Christmas means to me now and how much I need it to be fun. It hasn't been fun in a long time. Don't get me wrong. Getting up early and watching my girls open their presents and the smiles on their little faces overwhelms me but then the anti-climax sets in when there are no adults to share the joy with and no other kids for the girls to scream and giggle and run around madly with. And I am the only adult here that gets into the spirit of things.

Next year, things have to change. There needs to be more or an effort made. Christmas is going to be better next year. I want my girls to remember Christmases like mine. Not like their Daddy's that can't be remembered as anything special. It should be so magical for them all day and so full of activity that they fall into bed exhausted by 6pm Christmas night.

Well, okay, that's a bit early but I can dream can't I?

Found It...

I knew I would, eventually.

We went to a "Gold Coast Christmas" at Movieworld last night just daring the rain to stop our fun. The girls and I met up with a couple of other friends and we sat on our little picnic blanket and ate sausage sandwiches and hot chips and sang many a Christmas Carol.

It was the BEST night. We caught a few drops of rain and there was fear of no fireworks but Santa was kind enough to keep the clouds at bay until the drive home.

It was hard getting through the last hour because, due to the storm warning, they had cut the show short earlier in the evening so the last hour became "let's just do anything to keep the ball rolling" and it did drag on just a tad BUT.....

We waited. And it was so worth it. The girls and I stood there and watched them let off that first fire cracker and there it was..... My Christmas spirit. I kissed both of my girls and wished them a Merry Christmas. And it took all I had to hold back the tears.

Tears for my friends who have endured so much this past few months. Some are still enduring, others have made it through the other side but are still so emotionally battered for the experience. Tears for my gratefulness at having my girls, happy and healthy gorgeous little girls. Tears for my own year where I have lost the hope that my family will reunite and be the family I've always dreamed of. And, most of all, tears for our little family that grows stronger everyday and causes my heart to swell to the point of bursting with pride that we are one.

But I found it. The Christmas spirit. It was there all along in the eyes of my little ones. They loved the fireworks. It was just so magical. I am so glad I didn't let the rain deter me.

Then we drove home and I tucked my little ones into bed with dreams of Santa and gingerbread men and, of course, presents. It was well worth it.

I HOPE YOU ALL STAY SAFE, HAPPY AND HEALTHY AND GROW STRONGER EACH AND EVERY DAY (you know who you are little man).

A SPECIAL MERRY CHRISTMAS TO OUR ANGELS. WATCH OVER YOUR MUMMIES, DADDIES, BROTHERS AND SISTERS AS THEY FEEL YOUR ABSENCE EVEN MORE AT THIS SPECIAL TIME OF YEAR.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE...

It's beginning to look alot like.....

I'd love to say Christmas but for some reason I'm just not feeling it yet. I can't quite put my finger on why to be perfectly honest.

We have done the run around for gifts and finally finished. All that's left to do now is make some cookies to go in our baskets and the gift side of things is over. We bought a gift for one of the wishing tree charities and I explained why we were doing it and AJ really understood that some people are less fortunate than her. I must admit though it was hard explaining to her that Santa may not visit the little girl because surely in the eyes of a 4 year old Santa visits everyone! But, I just explained that some people have to move alot and Santa can't find where they live so it's up to us to make Christmas special for them. I think I did okay with that but it's a hard one because there is that white lie stigma attached.

AJ has visited Santa at every store and just reminded him of the things she wants which are quite cute. I got one of the girls to eavesdrop on the conversation for me, due to the fact that it's not my business, and apparently she wants tools for Daddy so he can finish the dancing room and a trampoline spring cover. She's very practical really. I guess she's thinking everyone else will give her toys.

Today we went and visited some of our friends and met a new little bubba. We all went to the park and the girls ran around while we had some lunch and just chatted. We had a really lovely day. It was nice to just spend time letting the world pass us by and catch up and laugh. Just LAUGH. I didn't want it to end.

We went and looked at christmas lights tonight and it was so cool to watch AJ run up and down the street ooohing and aaahing at every little thing and laughing at the polar bear singing christmas carols. She just totally gets it this year and it's awesome. We are going to another suburb tomorrow night because she just can't get enough.

Saturday night we'll go and sing Christmas Carols and Monday night we have a party to go to. When we return we'll have to put milk and gingerbread men cookies out for Santa and some carrots on the roof. Hmmm, just writing that, I'm thinking we may do that before we leave for the party. Then when we get home we'll have to sneak all the presents out of hiding into the Santa sacks and under the tree. I'm hoping by then the spirit of christmas will well and truly hit me. Please!

I do think maybe because we've already had our big family christmas get together that it kinda feels like it's all over before it's begun. And it seems that as much as I strive for a lovely christmas I seldom get one which is a shame because I LOVE Christmas. I really do. And I look forward to it even more as the girls get older and their excitement grows.

But, I can't help but feel anxious that, like years gone by, there will be some form of dispute. And it saddens me. For some reason nothing goes smoothly when I really want it to. And even when I don't try it still doesn't work out so I can't help but wonder how this Christmas will pan out.

I will point out though, I always try and stay positive. Ever the optimist. And I'm great at faking it right now. Every morning I countdown another day on the advent calendar with the girls and they do get so excited. Some days I think AJ will burst before Christmas Day is upon us with the sheer thrill of the countdown and trying to work out how long 6 sleeps is. It must seem like an eternity when you're 4!

I can't wait to see their little faces on Christmas morning bursting with eagerness and trying to decide which present to open first. Then time to sit back and fill our bellies with good food and possibly a few drinks and just relax by the pool.

Writing is good. I'm starting to get excited now!

If you only knew...

Who was reading your blog/posts on a forum would you still write as though you were anonymous?

I often wonder if one of my friends turned around to me and said "oh I read your blog the other day" whether I would start censoring my thoughts or feelings. Not that I ever write anything controversial but the feeling of anonymity provides a certain freedom that allows us to write far more openly than we would speak.

I am a fairly open book in the physical realm so I don't think any of my friends would uncover any deep dark secrets that they hadn't already known and being the world wide web I am already conscious of the fact that people I don't even know read it so there is only so much one can divulge in this kind of medium but I do think I would be aware of the phrases being written on the screen.

Anyway, that was the thought. Now excuse me while I trawl my posts to make sure there's nothing incriminating amongst them. LOL

Ho! Ho! H..... Hahahahaha!!!

This put a great big smile on my face today so, of course, I just had to do it for my own family.

Might be my sense of humour but I have laughed at this ALOT this afternoon.

Check it out....

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1416166856

And, while I haven't done it yet, there is a hee-uge temptation to change the heads around to see how they look on the different elves. Bwahahahahaha!!!

Well wouldn't you know it...

Here are all the little pearls of wisdom for me today...

Tanya's Daily Number: 7
You may find yourself wanting to withdraw from the world today to engage in some self-reflection. You're curious about the world and feel a heightened sense of your own purpose. Trust your instincts today, and deal with bottled up feelings.

Strength: May courage be your ally.

Where is the Love...

It has occurred to me over the past few weeks that I am forever being abandoned by "good" friends when I'm the one that needs to be on the receiving end of support.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I'm always there for them, mostly unconditionally, but at what point does the relationship become one-sided?

It seems that some of my friends are always going through their own thing. Which is fine. We all do it. But I'm their free counselling session time and time again. Then, on the off chance that I'm having a crappy day/week it feels as though everyone runs for cover.

I get the unconditional part. I get that I shouldn't expect anything in return and when I put myself out there for my friends there are never any thoughts of "what's in it for me?". Seriously, doesn't cross my mind. Even when I do good deeds for people I barely know, I never stop and think what kind of reward that will get me.

But, at times when I'm in need of a shoulder I find myself abandoned. And this is when I start to take stock and try to figure out where I fit in with the priorities of others. It is very rarely that I ever feel at the top of someone's list. And it makes me sad.

Not that I think they do it on purpose. Actually quite the contrary. I think they just assume that I can handle anything that's thrown my way. Otherwise why come to me for advice in the first place right? It's a compliment in a way that they think I am such a tower of strength and good humour that I just deal with my own stuff in much the same way and that, possibly, their advice may fall a little short of the mark. Just guessing????

Sometimes I wonder if this is why I'm accused of being a "conditional" friend. Because I get to a point where I have to look out for me. Heck, if nobody else is going to what am I supposed to do? It feels like if I don't start setting a few boundaries, more for myself than others, I let my energy get used up with none to spare. Then I feel like the "poor me" victim and the one crying "it's not fair".

I know this is a Poor Me Post but I just don't care today. I really don't. I am feeling sorry for myself today. I am not having a good day and, for the first time in my life, I'm not going to apologise for it. I'm tired of thinking about what I should/could be doing for others to make their day brighter. I'm sure they'll survive. They probably won't even notice that I haven't called today or emailed.

I often wonder how long it would take or whether they would notice at all.

All I want for christmas...

Well, we had our photo with Santa yesterday. And yes, I say "we" and "our" because I managed to get a look in.

Schmoo was not going anywhere near the big fat red guy without her Mumma. Schmoo doesn't go anywhere at the moment without her Mumma. *groan*

Anyway, I had remembered to look presentable knowing that AJ had been the same at this age so I was prepared for the photo session with Santa.

I have a ritual where I wait until I think things will go smoothly, NEVER a weekend. Are you crazy? Have you not seen the cues at Santa on the weekend? No I always try and get there between school hours just before Schmoo's sleep or just after.

We have been fortunate enough the last fews years to walk straight into the centre, locate Santa, perhaps wait for one child to get a photo and then we're on. Normally I'm home again within about an hour. This is my thing. It's how we roll at Christmas time. Like a well oiled machine.

And, although the lady took about 9 photos we still chose the first one. It shows the girls nature the best. The awkward 4 year old smile that is AJ's at the moment while she tries to find that perfect photo pose we all have. The laid back but wary look of the Schmoo as she looks totally unimpressed with the goings on around her and the look of "OMG! Get me outta here and please let us get one nice shot" look from me.

All in all it was quite the successful trip.

Mum's the word...

While we were at the shopping centre the other day AJ went to see Santa just to give him a heads up as to what was expected this christmas.

We went on our way and did some shopping but on our way back she decided she had to tell him somthing else that she had forgotten about. I asked what it was and while looking at me with what is commonly referred to as the "stink eye" (very cranky look given in this house, normally to Daddy) I get told this....

AJ: Muuuum! It's none of your business. That's between me and Santa!

And then there's this little gem...

AJ: I. AM. AN. EXPERT.
Me: So what makes an expert?
AJ: An expert is when you are small, you are 4 years old and you can read a long book with big words in it when you're not even at school yet...

The world according to AJ. Simple!

You're a Genius...

So my 4 year old was chatting away to herself the other day and I couldn't help but overhear her calling herself a genius. So, I just HAD to ask....

Me: Did you just say you were a genius?
AJ: Yep.
Me: Hmmm. What makes someone a genius?
AJ: When you can do something for a very long time and it's not night time.

So there you have it folks! I'm sure there is a genius in all of us after all!

Mind you, she was pashing herself in the mirror which is why she called herself a genius!

Bwahahahahaha!

To'ing and Fro'ing...

So, I'm just gonna write this. I know there is nobody who can tell me which way to go or how to make this decision but I have to write it anyway.

I have been plagued with clucky fever since Schmooey was about 6 months old. I thought/think I so desperately want a 3rd child. A bit of a schock as I thought I'd only ever have/want/need to 2 kids.

I've waited very patiently knowing that a baby wouldn't be in my immediate future, moreso because I like the age gap between the girls and couldn't imagine having another baby while Schmooey was such a baby herself so a 2 year gap would definitely be the minimum. But, I also don't want to wait too long because it's not like these things happen easily for us.

I went to Fiji. I came back. I started a Uni course. I finished the Uni course and "that" feeling had all but gone. I really thought I could say "nope we're done now". I waited and look, this is where we are at and I'm happy and always will be happy with this decision.

And then, over the past few days, out of the blue, it has come slowly creeping back in. "That" feeling.

Maybe I'm not being honest with myself. Maybe there is a selfish reason in there somewhere making me feel this way but I can't help it. I have analysed and over-analysed and asked and talked and analysed some more and I feel it is just a deep seated need of mine to at least try for another baby. But, then I think I should be happy with what I have already been blessed with and why spoil the dynamics of this little family that is sailing along so smoothly.

DOES. ANYBODY. GET. THIS?

I guess if my husband was more willing to have a 3rd the decision may be a little easier. But, my wanting a 3rd and him not wanting one (but happily going along for the ride) makes me feel like we shouldn't. It makes the decision so much harder. Where I should be confident and say "yes this is what I want. Let's do it", instead I find myself thinking "maybe we shouldn't because he doesn't want to which means it all comes back to me!". Scary thought!

And then it depends on who you talk to. My older brother for example makes it easy to stay on the "NO" side of the fence while my Dad will happily encourage a 3rd or 4th for that matter (always wanting 6 kids himself).

And then I think is it because I'm at home and not keeping myself busy with other stuff! When I was busy doing the Uni thing I had no time to consider a 3rd. It just wouldn't work. But now I'm home again and I can't help but think this is what makes the mind wonder what it would be like.

And, what if a new baby was a nightmare like my first. How on earth would I cope? Seriously.

So there you have it. Back and forth, back and forth, round and round we go. Where we stop nobody knows.