I'm tired...

Ummmm. Yep. That's all.

Not for any particular reason except that Schmoo has decided going to sleep at night is no longer her thing. She's decided she's no longer going to be the "good child" and just lay peacefully until she dozes off. No, no, noooooo.

She's going to scream her head off for a good hour before that happens.

So, yeah. I'm tired.

The medicine report...

Brought to you by our good friend, Amoxil.

So, after more than a week of taking anti-biotics and me trying to do the 1ml in 4mls of water trick every session we had a massive breakthrough where our little Schmooey took her medicine. Just like that.

Just took the 3ml out of the syringe. And she did it each time she had to take it. I don't know if she got used to it or it was because everytime AJ had hers Schmoo thought she was missing out, but whatever it was, I'm not complaining!

She. Did. It! She took the medicine. And now we're all medicine free here this week!

Can you hear that? It's the sigh of relief from a mother who was almost ready to just take all the damn medicine herself.*

*Okay, seriously wouldn't have done that. Just in case anyone's reading and thinking I could possibly be that unhinged.

My new PA...

I'll start with some filing mummy!

Hellooo?

It's for you!

While we're at it....

A big shout out to the universe for continuing to remind me about being careful what you wish for.

Not 3 days after my rant the other day did I receive a very early morning phonecall from my stepfather to let me know that my mother was in hospital in a medically induced coma.

Yahuh!

She got up to go to the toilet, passed out and smashed the back of her head on the toilet. Then my stepdad, who had only moved back in that very night, picked her up to try and carry her out of the toilet when she fell again and smashed her head again.

So, off to the hospital they go, she has a seizure and they put her into the coma.

Now, I need to make it clear that I never wished any harm upon my mother. I just wished for her to realise that the things she does/has done are not great, which will never happen I know. But, I never made it clear either way and I think therein lies the problem.

Because, one could rationalise, that "we've certainly taught her a lesson". But I doubt it. Actually, now, a week later, I don't think even laying it all out in front of her in black and white (like I said in one of the paragraphs) would make her see any wrongdoing on her part.

Now just to reiterate on her not learning through past mistakes. She told noone my stepfather was returning. She knew as early as Thursday that she had made her decision because she got her eyebrows done. So, again, she has lied to all the people that care about her and rally around her when she needs them, only to dismiss them when they say something that might not sit right with her or she is afraid of what they will say/think.

So, it is a simple accident that has caused this inconvenience to her world. An inconvenience which has kept her couped up in a hospital bed for nearly a week. An inconvenience that could have her thinking how lucky she is that she suffered no serious brain damage but instead is sitting complaining about how she wants to get out of the hospital because she hates it there. An inconvenience that has not made her appreciate my stepfathers return however badly it "seemed" she wanted it before this accident.

None of it makes sense. I throw my hands up in the air because I know that what "they" are saying is essentially correct. Noone can show/teach her what she needs to see. She is an ostrich with it's head in the sand, as simple as that. It's time to let go.

I just hope the universe is as kind to me as the whale was to Marlin & Dory.

Day 5...

So this is day 5 of doing the 2 sick kids solo thang and I must say the cracks are starting to appear.

My calm, caring mother act turned to outright hateful yesterday afternoon and, while I know I shouldn't behave like this, I have cut myself a little slack considering the fact that, I too, am just as sick as every other MF in this house!

It all came to a head yesterday afternoon actually because my darling *note the sarcasm* husband called to say he would be home early. I was already out running a few errands with 2 sick kids and feeling average at best myself but offered to pick him up some nurofen because he was starting to get this bug too.

Now, I need to backtrack just a touch here because I need to give you a history of our relationship when it comes to dealing with sickness, pain... actually anything that requires even the smallest dose of sympathy.

To cut a long story short, my husband does not have a sympathetic bone his goddamn body. The only way he knows how to be sympathetic is after the fact when you've recovered and he's going through it which, for some unknown reason, seems to happen every single time there is a sickness in this house. He is ALWAYS the last one to get it. Which means, I go through looking after the girls, feeling lousy myself with him getting annoyed with the slightest disruption to his day only for him to then catch whatever it is that we have and then feel sorry for himself for a few days. Fair huh? And let's not get to the labour ward, where he kinda just stares at you, all the while eating your food that you're probably not gonna eat but, seriously, could he leave some? No, let's not even get started on that.

So you can imagine my outrage. And yes, it was fullblown outrage. When I arrive home with 2 kids, who between them have managed to cry all day, finally asleep in the car and in need of a transfer to their beds only to find him fast asleep! What the fuck?

Why does he get to go to sleep? What about me? It isn't fair? Damn straight it isn't fair. And I've totally had enough. I'm still trying to get medicine into the youngest three times a day and that's just the antibiotics. Not to mention the panadol for the temperature and the demazin for her nose that is like a tap turned on to it's hardest pressure. Every single time I wipe the fucker I put the tissue in the bin, turn around and it's at her mouth again.

And the crying. Can someone stop the damn crying. I have had kids crying at me for 5 days, the last 3 of which it has been non-stop. And I'm not exaggerating. If they're not asleep, one of them is crying. No shit. It's doing my head in.

But it doesn't end there. My husband rings this morning (ever so sympathetic now *again with the sarcasm*) to see how I'm doing today. How I'm doing TODAY? Do you really want to know? I'm over it. I'm over being sick. I'm over looking after sick kids. I'm over listening to crying kids. I'm over administering medicine. I'm over never getting any of my own space because one or the other kid needs a cuddle. I'm over no sleep. I'm over coughing. I'm over blowing my goddamn nose. I'm over wiping other people's noses. I'm just plain OVER IT! Anything else you want to know? Well, buddy. You asked!

And there. Right there. See them? The cracks. Well, okay, they're a little larger than cracks now.

The Breakthrough...

This morning I decided to modify one of the approaches in the previous post.

This time I put 1ml of AB's in with 4ml of water into the syringe and guess what? She. Took. It!!!

It is the first time she has clapped her hands at being clever enough to take medicine. Or was she clapping thinking she'd fooled me and she was really only drinking water?

Whatever! She took it!

Hi-fiving myself here today.

It's only 3ml...

OMFG! 3ml of antibiotics to be given 3 times a day to a 1 year old who is anti-anything that tastes remotely like medicine.

In the short one year of her life she has only taken medicine voluntarily twice from us.

I've tried:
* Putting it in apple juice. Worked the first time but haven't been quite so successful since.
* Giving her water in the syringe first a few times then trying to "trick" her. Yeah right.
* Pinning her down and holding her nose. Sounds mean but that still doesn't do the trick. Somehow I think she has learnt to shut off her throat.
* Giving it to her big sister first, because, normally, anything that sister has she wants.
* Putting it in her formula, which works occasionally but then if she doesn't drink the whole bottle who knows how much she's really had.
* Begging, I've tried begging. Alot. Doesn't work.

So when the ever-so-caring doctor tells me that he'll give me the easiest dose possible and it's more than .5ml, you can see why I want him to give it to her 3 times a day.

So sick of being the bad guy. Luckily for me though, she does forgive me quickly.

The ties that bind...

So, I saw a psychic channeller yesterday and, while I'm still trying to make sense of all that was said, I thought I should start to blog the feelings that have come about due to that session.

For the most part, there was very little said that I didn't already know. Scary in a way but also a little liberating to know that I really am in tune with the universe in a somewhat enlightened manner and not just aimlessly wandering the earth trying to figure out my "purpose".

Funny that I should have only written in here recently about the changes I need to make. I guess the old "ask and you shall receive" rings true because it is me that needs to change and "they" did give me some suggestions on how to make that change come about.

But, today, I find myself angry at "them". They have said that my mother "did the best she could" and so I can't hold her responsible for not being the mother that I, in fact, wanted/needed. Yesterday this did sound fairly reasonable even though I did object at that time by saying that I honestly don't believe that she did do the best she could. I can't believe that. And, if that was all that she had, what was she thinking bringing 3 kids into this world. So, ultimately, I guess her best wasn't good enough for me.

Now stay with me. It gets heavier than this. So "they" have told me that I need to forgive my mother and accept that she will never acknowledge me in the way I hope for or, for that matter, apologise for any wrong doings against me or my siblings, or anyone that has unknowingly crossed her path. For she knows not what she does. Pffft.

Now, I get the whole karmic circle thing and I can see in her world that it is nothing short of miserable so why do I feel so angry that she will not directly see a consequence to her actions? As humans we are brought up believing that if you are bad, bad things will happen, so why will she not be held directly accountable for the things she has done? Why will noone confront her with the looooong list of injustices she has performed?

Because, although "they" are telling me that she doesn't "get it" doesn't that also mean that she won't "get" the karmic punishment she is dealt? Doesn't that mean that she would need it laid out in front of her so that she does "get it"? Because to me it feels like she is getting away with it. Ya know?

I know, courtesy of a timely reminder from "them", that I chose this life and these lessons but, fuck, what was I thinking? I could've been a little easier on myself couldn't I? Possibly picked someone a little more caring. But noooooo. In true Tato fashion I have gone the whole hog and picked the person that will make sure that I don't turn around at the end of this and go "so was that it or did I miss something?"

Stay tuned because you can be sure upon listening to that tape a few more times there'll be a hell of lot more that needs to be said. We haven't even got to the conditional love part yet!