Beautiful Disaster...

So we were enjoying a lovely day helping to celebrate a friend's 1st birthday when tragedy hit.

Our little Schmoo fell off the concrete verandah onto the concrete gutter and managed to take in half of her face. It wasn't just a little graze on the chin or forehead. Nooooo. Somehow she got the eye, cheek (which you would think would have stopped her from hurting her eye *shrug*) and the side of her nose. I must point out that the verandah is in no way high. In fact it is a small step at best. A step that Schmoo had successfully step up and down from all day until this point.

And it was that weird kind of slow motion thing that happened. I could see her stepping down but by the time I registered that her foot had been misplaced causing the forward lurch it was too late for me to even take my first step toward her.

She took it pretty well though. After an initial cry of distress she forgot about the incident quickly even though her eye was starting to swell and wouldn't stop watering. We got a lot of "she's tough" comments.

Then when we got home she must have thought that it was necessary to even up the score so walked into our BBQ with the other cheek.

The damage doesn't look quite as bad as we thought it would today but it's still noticeable enough for the "stop bashing your kid" comments.

A change is coming...

So, I've decided I need to change this pattern. Of me. Doing the good samaritan thing for everyone and being taken for granted in return.

I have to think before I speak. All too often my mouth opens and the offerings of help and support come out before I've even had a chance to take stock of what it is that I'm offering and how it will impact on my world.

Somehow, I have to keep the offer to myself until the brain kicks into gear. This will be relatively easy with perfect strangers perhaps but with people I know and love? Now that's another test all together.

But for my own sake and the sake of my family I HAVE to do this. I have to realise that life has shifted now. That my life needs to revolve around us. My immediate family. Which is now my husband and my girls. The family I have longed for. That was supposed to be the turning point in my life where all else went by the wayside. Where nothing else was ever as important.

Where my "old" family didn't have the hold over me that they once had. I have to let go and set a new pattern. I'm no longer playing the same old part. I have a new role in this life that I need to embrace.

How do I change? It's not that easy to take out one part of your personality and toss it to the side like it is worthless. Because it is not a "bad" part of my personality. I wouldn't even class it as a weak part. It's just a part that doesn't work for me as it should. And now it impacts on others.

So, I either need to figure out how to make it work efficiently or shut it down. Or accept that the result will almost always be the same. And I can't accept that truth. I wish I could. I wish I could always unconditionally be there but I don't think it's healthy. Because the same situations will continue to repeat themselves and the same people will display the same behaviour expecting me to be there too.

It's time. I have to try.

Blergh...

That's it. Just that. That's exactly how I feel today. The past week of events have caught up with me with an almighty crushing feeling like I have a really heavy cloud, no make that rock over me that I. Just. Can't. Lift.

I'm done. I'm spent. I can't take on anyone's else "stuff" and I feel a desperate need to offload the "stuff" I've already taken on.

I'm suffocating. I did this to myself. I am not a victim. I allowed this to happen. But, now I need to stop the merry-go-round and get the hell off.

And. Run. Run far, far away.

See? Blergh!

The thing about families...

Is that when there is a crisis, the same people take on the same roles.

Over and over and over....

Weird.

A Peaceful Afternoon...

So my very grown up 4 year old is playing at a friends house this afternoon. We went for morning tea and we left - without her.

This is quite a significant day because, other than being left at kindy or being babysat by only a handful of trusted sitters, she has never spent any time away from us. Just playing at someone's house. We have already been asked when a sleepover can happen!

We are trying desperately to hold onto our little girls but they seem to be growing up way too quickly and AJ especially is displaying signs of independence that I don't think we are ready for.

BUT....

We have had a very relaxing afternoon. CJ finished work early and is having a nap while the younger one sleeps and I am enjoying a delightful tuna pesto-thingy with some crackers, cheese, olives and grape tomatoes to boot! All. In. Peace.

I must admit though, the silence is deafening. Nice but I'm really missing her!

Quotable Quotes...

Again, courtesy of daughter numero uno!

The conversation went something like this...

AJ: Mum, how do you be sexy in a loud voice?
Me: I don't know.
AJ: You know like the girl that sings that song.
(I know she's referring to Avril Lavigne's song "Girlfriend" because it is the only song we have listened to for 7 days straight)
Me: Well, I'm not sure. Is she sexy?
AJ: Ye-es! (of course Mum, you goob!)
Me: Oh okay.
AJ: Well Lil sings soft and slow though.
Me: Is she sexy? (can't believe I just asked that about her 5 year old buddy)
AJ: Yes, yes. She's very sexy.
Me: Okay then.
AJ: So how do you be sexy with a loud voice?
Me: I don't really know. Do you know?

And this right here is the corker. Remember this is a 4 year old comment.

AJ: Well, apparently, Lil is!

So, then, while I'm laughing and trying to phone my husband to tell him of the conversation, she comes out with another little gem...

AJ: Calm down. It's not that funny. We already knew that!

This morning was a good morning.

Footnote: I wonder if I could sue Avril for the fact that I can NEVER get that damn song out of my head now!