So there are quite a few things I have neglected to post about lately.
One of them being the fact that we were in charge of 3 children in our house over a weekend. My lovely husband's first comment - "Are we making the right decision here?" But we survived that and it is a very distant memory with all the other things that have happened since.
Like my step-sister's boyfriend who was taken to jail for bashing her. Oh yes, they're a lovely bunch! The only contact I have with them is through the stories my mother tells me and, to be honest, I'm not that keen on knowing what goes on. I fear they may end up being one of those terrible murder/suicides on the news any day now.
Or what about the advice I've been given lately from well-meaning acquaintances who, with no experience of their own to speak of, decide to lecture me on the importance of letting nature take it's course! What the...? I'm not going to rant and rave here this time around as I think I've probably done enough of that but for fuck's sake!!! Ask any woman who has had a miscarriage or lost a baby at some point in their pg whether they ever worry about the next pregnancy and I guarantee their answer will not be...."well, you know, I just let nature take it's course!" No sirree. Yes, we all know that nature will, in fact, do just that but it doesn't stop us panicking each time we go to the toilet for fear of seeing even the slightest amount of blood, or each time we get a pain or our morning sickness goes away. It is our right to panic! We have lost a baby and there are no guarantees ever that we'll get through another pregnancy without losing our baby again. So poo to you if you think that a little lecture will make me feel any better than I was feeling before you decided to put your 2 cents worth in. And at least be someone who has been through it if you're going to give out said advice, please!!!
Okay, well a little bit of a rant sorry!
Anyway, enough about that....onwards and upwards hey?
So I'm 11 weeks pregnant! WOW!!! Who would have thought I would be here already? I for one had no idea this time around. Very glad I'm here but just can't believe how seemingly easy it has been so far. The fact that I have invested in a doppler could be one of the main reasons I'm still sane but who cares....I'm here and I'm sane! Yay for me!
And then, in all my wisdom we decided we honour our promise and go to Darwin for christmas! Yes, Darwin! You did hear right, Darwin! That really, really hot place that, while it may be lovely, is still that really, really hot place! And now with the 35 degree days we've had here I'm really wondering if it was such a good idea. Couldn't I have been quick enough to come up with some excuse as to why we couldn't go? I don't know what....obviously proof I'm not quick enough to come up with a good reason. And really, let's be honest, it's not like they want to see me. No, they just want to see the cute 2 year old who drives me somewhat insane for a good part of my week. They just want to give her presents until we are refused boarding the return flight due to excess baggage!
But, then how could I miss a christmas with my girl? My husband said he would go by himself and take her with him so I could have 10 days of peace but what would christmas be like here by myself without her? I would be miserable. Not as hot but miserable. Up there I'll be really hot and miserable but at least seeing her face on christmas day will make it all worthwhile.
So Darwin, here we come. Get ready for alot of whining about the heat and how I've always got a headache and how I hate sweat but...... that's the price you pay for wanting us there!
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Sunday, November 06, 2005
I am no wiser than before....
So, another week has passed me by and I still have no idea what I should be feeling!
The scan revealed nothing. Well, I lie. It did reveal something..... a sac, measuring approximately 5 to 51/2 weeks. Being an external ultrasound though, there was no way of seeing a heartbeat just yet. Sooooo, I think that is good. I mean I calculated that I would be a week out with dates so that is about right but oh, to have seen a heartbeat. Not that it really would have put my mind at ease anyway. I mean, afterall, we have seen a heartbeat at 8 weeks only for it to be taken away from us at 9 so I guess it wouldn't have mattered much at this point anyway.
My boobs are sore and I feel ill so I'm taking this as a positive sign that things are progressing. Last time, I lost all my symptoms instantly, which is why I begged my doctor for a scan. My body has a habit of harbouring. I do this in all aspects of my life including pregnancy apparently. I have not yet lost a child naturally but always had a d&c. I don't know, and quite frankly don't want to know, how long the process would take should I opt for the natural way.
I still don't know if I should be getting excited or preparing myself for another disappointment. My husband and I are talking about the future of this child which is somewhat comforting as we didn't really do that during the last pregnancy. So again, I think this could be a good sign. But how do you stay unattached while trying to stay positive? I mean, I haven't even worked out an estimated due date for this child, other than to know it will be borderline on the starsign of Gemini (the same as my daughter) which I take as another good sign. I believe I am destined to be surrounded by Geminis. They are everywhere!!! Our family, friends....we have 11 birthdays in 3 weeks for gods sake! But working out an exact date would give me something to look forward to and I don't know if I should be doing that yet. I haven't even had a proper scan!
I am booked in to see my OB next Monday for the scan that will tell all. Well at least tell all for right now. By then I will be nearing 8 weeks again....but again the outcome is really futile. It won't put my fears to rest because again the innocence of seeing a heartbeat and thinking that makes it fine has gone up in flames. I am scared because again I have to take my daughter with me and, should the scan turn out badly, I don't want to put her through that drive home where she pretends to be an adult for 20 minutes because mummy has gone to pieces. I don't know the right decisions to make any longer when it comes to these situations. I can be positive all I like but the memory of my 2 year old trying to comprehend my heartache after my last scan is etched in stone. I mean, f*ck, she is only 2!
And yet everyone around me seems to think I'm very relaxed this time. What they don't know is that I only seem relaxed because I don't talk to them anymore. I don't tell them how I'm feeling because they don't know what to say. They can't tell me it will be fine this time. How would they know? Quite frankly, I would prefer that they didn't say these things. They can't possibly know everything will be fine, so why say it?
And so it boils down to this....
I won't be anywhere near relaxed until I at least reach 12 weeks. I know that if I can just get to that mark then I'll be fine, the baby will be fine, our dream just might have a happy ending.
Until then, all I can do is count down the long weeks until that elusive 12 comes around kicking and screaming because, if there is one thing I know it is this.....the next 5 weeks will drag on for what seems like an eternity!!!
The scan revealed nothing. Well, I lie. It did reveal something..... a sac, measuring approximately 5 to 51/2 weeks. Being an external ultrasound though, there was no way of seeing a heartbeat just yet. Sooooo, I think that is good. I mean I calculated that I would be a week out with dates so that is about right but oh, to have seen a heartbeat. Not that it really would have put my mind at ease anyway. I mean, afterall, we have seen a heartbeat at 8 weeks only for it to be taken away from us at 9 so I guess it wouldn't have mattered much at this point anyway.
My boobs are sore and I feel ill so I'm taking this as a positive sign that things are progressing. Last time, I lost all my symptoms instantly, which is why I begged my doctor for a scan. My body has a habit of harbouring. I do this in all aspects of my life including pregnancy apparently. I have not yet lost a child naturally but always had a d&c. I don't know, and quite frankly don't want to know, how long the process would take should I opt for the natural way.
I still don't know if I should be getting excited or preparing myself for another disappointment. My husband and I are talking about the future of this child which is somewhat comforting as we didn't really do that during the last pregnancy. So again, I think this could be a good sign. But how do you stay unattached while trying to stay positive? I mean, I haven't even worked out an estimated due date for this child, other than to know it will be borderline on the starsign of Gemini (the same as my daughter) which I take as another good sign. I believe I am destined to be surrounded by Geminis. They are everywhere!!! Our family, friends....we have 11 birthdays in 3 weeks for gods sake! But working out an exact date would give me something to look forward to and I don't know if I should be doing that yet. I haven't even had a proper scan!
I am booked in to see my OB next Monday for the scan that will tell all. Well at least tell all for right now. By then I will be nearing 8 weeks again....but again the outcome is really futile. It won't put my fears to rest because again the innocence of seeing a heartbeat and thinking that makes it fine has gone up in flames. I am scared because again I have to take my daughter with me and, should the scan turn out badly, I don't want to put her through that drive home where she pretends to be an adult for 20 minutes because mummy has gone to pieces. I don't know the right decisions to make any longer when it comes to these situations. I can be positive all I like but the memory of my 2 year old trying to comprehend my heartache after my last scan is etched in stone. I mean, f*ck, she is only 2!
And yet everyone around me seems to think I'm very relaxed this time. What they don't know is that I only seem relaxed because I don't talk to them anymore. I don't tell them how I'm feeling because they don't know what to say. They can't tell me it will be fine this time. How would they know? Quite frankly, I would prefer that they didn't say these things. They can't possibly know everything will be fine, so why say it?
And so it boils down to this....
I won't be anywhere near relaxed until I at least reach 12 weeks. I know that if I can just get to that mark then I'll be fine, the baby will be fine, our dream just might have a happy ending.
Until then, all I can do is count down the long weeks until that elusive 12 comes around kicking and screaming because, if there is one thing I know it is this.....the next 5 weeks will drag on for what seems like an eternity!!!
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