PS. Happy New Year?

Just realised that my first post for the year is also a negative one. Whoops.

Sorry about that. I haven't even managed a collage or a dot point post on what we did over the Christmas period.

We had fun. We went back to the beach for another week in another gorgeous house. We surfed, we swam, we ate good food, enjoyed the company of great friends, had a few drinks and shared some laughs.

We had our second annual barefoot bowls tournament, got attacked by plovers, introduced a new generation to the Spice Girls, listened to music and created memories.

It was so nice to get away (even though I didn't leave behind work) and just be in the moment without having to think about what was happening next.

And when we got home, the weather was so lovely, we spent another week in the pool. I forgot I wasn't actually on holidays and found myself avoiding work. Great for the soul, not so great for the pay packet.

We've had sleep overs, play dates, coffee dates, BBQs, daddy/daughter dates and some impromptu dinner dates.

All in all the first couple of weeks of the year have been pretty bloody good - just don't count my grumpy days - and although it already feels like it's zooming past, I'm looking forward to 2013 and all it has in store for us.

It's going to be a cracker!!!

This One's Mine ...

I've been grumpy lately. And when I say grumpy, I mean the status about "I'm going on a spree, you can decide whether it's a shopping or a killing one" ... If you'd spoken to me today, you'd be wrong if you guessed shopping!

And it's nobody's fault in particular. It's just a bad case of taking on (what today feels like) too much sprinkled with a shitload of PMS!*

I don't think I am the complaining type. I think hope my husband and friends would agree. I consider myself a person who usually just gets on and does whatever needs doing. I don't tell people how much work I have to do - well, maybe today and the past few days and it's usually when I feel unappreciated - or how many times I have to leave the house to drive a child here, there or over the bloody rainbow. Or how many times I've made something to eat for a child who seriously has waited until I have sat down before asking me for the same food I have just prepared for a sibling. Or to put that DVD on that they can't possibly do by themselves even though we both know they bloody well can.

I try hard not to complain because I assume everyone has their stuff going on. Everyone is busy. Everyone has bad days. Everyone has something they're dealing with. Suck it up. Move on. That's me talking to myself not to you.

But today I found myself complaining. And I hate listening to myself. It's so whiny!

You see. I offer to do a lot of stuff. Quite willingly. I don't offer to do something all the while thinking how much I'd prefer not to. At the time of my offer, I genuinely want to take on whatever it is. And it is rare that I would offer if I didn't want to. And, for the most part, I'm okay with it. Until I'm not.

And it creeps up on me. I'm just as surprised as my husband when it all comes crashing down in a heap. Like it did today. And while I was doing my third drive up the mountain this afternoon - which was totally worth it because I have awesome friends and they (plus the pear cider we were taste testing) were just what I needed - I realised what was bugging me (the most) today.

My husband was taking my mood on as if it was something he had done or some problem with him - although with the tone in my voice, he could be forgiven for thinking I was going to stick a fork in his eye. And somewhere deep down in my psyche, I seriously thought "F**k. I can't even have this to myself."

In between trying to get work done, drive kids around from breakfast to dinner time, fit in just a tad of social time for myself (albeit with a four year old laying all over me while I drank a coffee) and leave enough time to feel guilty for not fitting in my exercise, I found myself getting annoyed with feeling as though everything I need to do for me (work/exercise/social) has to fit in around everyone and everything else. I feel like my very core is going to split open some days just so I can continue to be pulled in so many different directions.

It's not that it is that way. I know if I tell my husband I want to go for a run, he will make it happen. If I say I have an appointment, he will be available to look after the kids if he can. And if he can't, somebody else will happily oblige. The blessing that is great friends.

But I have to say it. Out loud. He's not a mind reader. Nobody is. But sometimes I forget. And because I don't say it, I don't complain about it, nobody's thinking about what I'm doing or what I need to get done. And I'm not trying to be a martyr or sitting here knowing what I want/need and waiting for someone to guess. I'm just so busy trying to do everything for everyone else and keep all the balls in the air, I forget to voice my needs. And then, like today, I'm fine. Until I'm not.

And then, to add to it, people then assume it's about them - granted I would (and often do) feel that way when the roles are reversed - and once again, it's not about me or my needs but about them and what they need me to do to make them feel okay.

Sorry babe. This one has nothing to do with you. It's actually not about anyone. It's about me. And I don't want to try and make anyone feel better or explain how I feel (although, ironically, now I just have).

Just let me own it. Because today, seriously - and rather sadly - this feels like the only thing that's mine.


*EPO - must remember to take this daily! ;)

C.A.L.M ...

I have always wanted a family of my own. Always.

Never has there been a time when I have thought my life would be different. Or that I wanted it to be.

But, like any mother, there are days when there's a lot of shit going on and I wonder if I'm cut out for this ride. Maybe I should never have had any kids. Maybe I'm just raising three kids that are going to need mounds of therapy and who will blame me for everything wrong in their adult lives?

Maybe I have absolutely no effing idea what I'm doing.

But see that title post. Up there. That is the acronym of my family. In order. As we met.

And that reminds me that this is where I'm supposed to be.

And as long as we're all together, while it may not always be calm, it will always be right.

Beach Therapy ...

Sometimes all it takes is to sneak away for the day and leave the grind behind.  Knowing it will still all be there when you get back is not the ideal situation but the alternative is missing out on a day like today.

You can see why I had to go. Not only did I get to watch my girls run, swim and squeal with delight, I also got to catch up with my best friend. It is a rare thing these days for us both to have a whole day to spare so we try to snap them up when they come along.

I am still tired, I am still not caught up with work (the paid kind or the house kind). I ate more than I should have and I ignored the fact that I should have exercised today. 

My only regret is being too tired to attend what I expect was a fantastic Christmas Carols and getting home too late to put up the tree. 

Still totally worth it. 

And Go ...

The 1st of December. The first day of Summer. The first day I feel like I can start counting down to our little getaway at Christmas. The first day in over a week that I feel like things are settling down.

There are still quite a few things I need to do but I'm feeling a little better today. Life got silly in the weeks just gone and I found myself swimming in a feeling of being totally overwhelmed by every. Little. Thing.

But yesterday, with the help of a few good friends who simply let me vent and have my moment (something I feel I am rarely allowed to do) helped me turn the corner. And I actually felt that little more positive about, well, everything. And things started to flow.

So now, I'm looking forward again. Not back. And hopefully this feeling will last a little while because I really  haven't like myself - nor anyone else for that matter but particularly myself - and feeling that way makes the days so much harder.

But today marks the start of good things to come!

The girls have their advent calendars at the ready for their first day and the excitement is starting to grow. We will put the tree up this weekend (hopefully).

And the countdown is on.

Two weeks until school comes to an end.
Three weeks until we are off on our holiday.
Four weeks until we welcome a New Year with all it's promises for a fresh start.

And here is my feel good song for the festive season.

OMG! It's Christmas!



Courtesy of these guys over here - check out their song Hero while you're there. Just sayin'.

You're welcome. :)

All Talk ...

So remember me writing this nearly a month ago?

Well, that lasted all of about 15 seconds, didn't it?

I have a few drafts sitting in my folder that I need to finish and a few others sitting in my drafts that I probably need to delete. It's the catch 22 of more followers really, isn't it?

The more followers you have, the more you are aware that people may just be actually reading and, while I'm all for honesty, I also like to be mindful.

These people who pride themselves on being honest but just don't see how completely rude and offensive they are being - and, quite frankly, don't care - just irk me.

There's honest and then there's brutally honest. No tact, no decorum. Just plain rude.

And then I have those drafts that I really want to publish but they sound so ... so soap boxish. And I'm not meaning to be but they do. And so they sit. Until I have time to rewrite them without them ending as a novel while trying to explain that I'm not on a soap box of any kind.

Not that I don't get on my soap box from time to time. Hells yeah I do! But usually I do this with friends and more often than not there has been some alcohol consumed.

Besides, Miss Tween is old enough now to understand my soap box rants. Unfortunately for her, the poor girl is subjected quite often. Like a captive audience. Sounds bad when you put it like that but I like to think I'm educating her.

Like when people drive under the speed limit - I don't think she'll forget that one.

I think she kinda vagues out on me a little these days but she's good for letting me get it off my chest. Occasionally she'll even ask questions. Possibly just to humour me. Or entertain herself.

I guess one day she will learn not to ask certain questions so as not to provoke one of these spectacles but, for now, it's just what happens when something triggers a rant and I try to sound like I know stuff.

But getting back to my promise to myself to get in here more. Yeah. Sorry self. I can't see it happening as often as I'd like. What with end of year dance rehearsals, concerts, a new challenge for my exercising self - may not be one of the smartest decisions I've made this year but it's done. For the next 12 weeks, it's done - to get super toned and see just what my body is capable of achieving, end of year parties, class parties, birthday parties - all those parties after I've just committed to 12 weeks of exercise? Really? What was I thinking? - and just getting organised for Christmas ... oh and did I mention work? Well, yeah, there's that. It's really getting in the way at the moment.

So again, I'm sorry. My promise is going to have to change to I'll get in here when/if I can.

Seriously. It's not you. It's me. :)

Turning Four ...

I have a serious sugar headache so I'm going to make this quick. No photos. Maybe tomorrow.

My baby is four! She is the single most sweetest child I know but with the sharpest of stings.

She had her first "real" birthday party today with her kindy friends and it went off without a hitch. She loved it. Her guests loved it and everyone is all partied out.

I want to say so much more but my headache is not allowing me to look at the screen any longer.

Happy Birthday my gorgeous baby girl! You came into this family and turned our world upside down (very much like your big sister did). It's a good thing we like living on the ceiling. ;p

May you feel heard, may your frustrations be less and may your beautiful spirit dance your fourth year away. So many changes coming for you and only a year before you  are off to school. You are growing up quickly just like you want to and I love that you need me right beside you for this journey.

I could not imagine my world without you in it.

Love Mummy
xxx